Leila asked: “My cousin is always giving me advice that I disagree with, which feels more like telling me what I should do. It feels condescending in that she says it, like I’m doing something wrong and she needs to tell me the right way. When I told her I’m going for an interview for a new job, she immediately began to tell me what to wear and what not to say, like I’m too stupid to figure it out myself. And she always tells me how to handle my kids. No matter what I do, she’s got a better way to deal with them.

How do I stop this barrage of unasked for advice without alienating her? Since she’s my cousin, it could also become a family issue, which is why I’ve just nodded up to now.”

There are people who like to give advice and the extreme of that—the buttinskis. They can be very annoying because they think they’re always right and try to shove their suggestions onto you. Getting annoyed with them does no good. And it’s probably not even personal. These types need to feel useful and look for ways to tell people what they should do. I’d bet most truly think they’re helping you and that belief helps them to shrug off or get annoyed at indications that you don’t want their advice. They’re often so full of themselves and their belief that they know best, that it’s hard to get through.

If it’s someone you’re close to, have a talk with the person. Don’t get angry oro accuse them of being too pushy. Say you know she means well but you’d rather not get so much input. Explain that while you appreciate their trying to help you, you’d rather stick to your way. You can even add that it comes across like they don’t think you’re smart enough to know what to do or that you can’t handle yourself, which makes you uncomfortable. And the main thing is, you value her and don’t won’t to have negative feelings. Can she please respect your preference for letting you find your own way?

If you can’t talk to the person like that or it’s someone you don’t need a relationship with but want to remain on good terms, have some pat answers ready for when advice come. Say “thanks” followed by:

•    “But I’m happy with doing it my way.”
•    “I’ve done pretty well so far and will stick to it.”
•    “I’ve got it covered.”
•    “I’m good the way I do it.”

Don’t defend what you do or try to explain why your way is better. It’s not necessary! If you want to stick to your way, that’s how it should be. “I won’t argue with you but I intend to do it my way.” Eventually, if you give the advice no credence and change the subject as soon as you’ve let her know you’re sticking to your way, she might get the message or get bored with giving advice you don’t acknowledge. No matter what her response, cut the conversation as soon as you can. Then continue with your way.
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