Want to turn the hot-and-heavy into the cold-and-awkward in the blink of an eye? Do any one of these things and watch the fun come to a screeching halt. Or so we’ve heard. Ahem.

1) Mention a former lover

“Touch me there. Oh yeah, that’s it. Reginald used to do that.” Because that’s exactly what a guy wants to think about when he’s doing you: you doing Reg.

2) Laugh at his equipment

Is it tiny? Huge? Weird-looking? Go ahead, laugh. Guys aren’t sensitive at all about their junk. As long as you’re entertained, it’s okay.

3) Scream like a freak

Yeah, that’s it, shriek like he’s carving you up with a chainsaw. Go ahead, wake the neighbors. Maybe they’ll call the cops. Guys love talking to the cops on the front lawn in the middle of the night with the entire neighborhood watching. It’s like a block party but without the fun.

4) Don’t make a sound

Ah, the silent type. Guys love that. Who needs feedback? It’s like you were roofied or something. That’s not creepy at all.

5) Get distracted

Of course he won’t mind if you watch “Cougar Town” over our shoulder while he’s porking you. It’s a great show. Just promise to switch places so he can catch the ending.

6) Ask if he’s close

He was, but not anymore. That’s okay, though–it’s only been two hours. Why rush things?

7) Bark orders at him

Yes! There! No! Lower! Wait! To the left! Left! Oh yeah! Faster! Slow down! Other side! No! Not there! Up! Higher! Yes! Harder! Do it! Do it!

Hell yeah! Make him feel like Charlton Heston rowing a Roman warship in Ben-Hur. Dudes dig Ben-Hur!

8) Slip a digit in his back door

Guys love surprises, especially in the anus. Go ahead, bury that finger without any warning. Watching him jump out of his skin will be hysterical. You’ll both laugh about it.

Get cracking, and let me know how it goes, mkay? Happy humping!