Is he cheating on you? I don’t know. Probably? It’s better to be safe than sorry, girl. A recent article in a popular woman’s magazine says he is. Who am I to argue with such literature? They use scientific science!  They’d never exploit a common female insecurity and make the lives of millions of men miserable.

There are various ways to tell if he’s a cheater. The best way is to consult your Palantir, one of the Middle-Earth seeing-stones made by Feanor in Aman during the Elder Days, which were given by the Elves to the Numenoreans until the Second Age. Mine looks like this:

Usually, I just see trolls knitting or Discovery Channel. Once, I got drunk and peered into my magical, obsidian stone and saw the Facebook page of this chick I was dating. She had “liked” something her boyfriend posted and I was all “Nu-uh.” Maybe I was just drunk.

But there are other ways to tell if he’s cheating. Paranoia is hoping for the worse, and planning for the worst. You can dress like a ficus tree and hide in his apartment. Just plant yourself in his living room and watch him eat pizza bagels and play XBOX. And if he suddenly realizes he doesn’t actually own a ficus tree, you can jump out and mace him. He’s probably cheating if he says “AAHHHH,” or “IT HURTS” or “Why you so crazy, crazy lady!”

If you can’t make your own ficus tree suit, you could play “bad cop/good cop.” Except that you’d be both bad and good cop. Switching it up at random. One minute you’ll be all “I made you brownies, baby!” And the next “I know you’re cheating on me!” Then return to “I luff you, buttersnuggles” and when he’s comfortable, shout “I know what you did!” A few weeks of that and he’ll either crack or dump you. Which is fine, since he’s cheating on you.

Ask yourself the following questions. If you answer “yes,” to any of them, then he’s cheating.

1. Is he happy?
2. When you kiss him, does he smell like your friend Amanda?
3. Does he listen to you?
4. Does he inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide?
5. Does he say things like “I love you,” or “Good morning,” or “Will you marry me?”
6. Does he know any women other than you?
7. At night, does his penis talk in its sleep? Does it snicker? 
8. When he sneezes, do used panties fly out of his nose?
9. Do all your friends tell you how lucky you are? Are they all skanky whores?

Another way to tell if he’s cheating is to create a voodoo doll. It’s really easy. Just cut some of his hair or collect his toenails from the empty beer cans he clips them in, and Scotch tape them to an old Beanie Baby or one of his action figures. Carry this potent totem around in your purse, and every so often, pinch it really hard in it’s private parts. If homeboy hobbles home, he’s totes dogging on you.

Have you checked his e-mail? Because amongst us pa-lay-as, it’s common to refer to our hootchies on the side as “Mom.” And “Please send money” is code for “I can’t wait to deepwater drill your gulf!” Also: “I don’t want to write Grandma” means “My stupid girlfriend will never find out about all six of us! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!”

But the most foolproof way to tell if he’s cheating. It’s called the “sniff test.” Smell his fingers. Do they smell like lies? They will. Just wait.