Having just answered by email a question on how to know if a married man is flirting with you, I thought I’d one up myself in the immoral dept. and use this week’s blog to post my indisputable list of ways to make your man jealous. I got that question a week or two ago and was like, “No girl, I’m not going to spend time coming up with awesome ways to make your man brutally jealous. Beliefnet needs to be on the side of righteous interaction. Promoting positive relations between the sexes not inside info in order to game the other sex.” But then I thought about it some more. When was that decided? Maybe Beliefnet is exactly designed for this sort of thing. To relay messages to other side. After all it’s what you guys often want and what me and the rest of the crew are paid enormous sums of money to write.

But remember, making your man jealous is not a one time thing. In order to really create an uncomfortable lifestyle for your boyfriend, one filled with crippling self doubt and anxiety it’s important that you treat this as a job. It needs constant watering, like a plant. Constant tending to, like a newborn baby or stubborn wedgy.

So here it is, my Top Eleven Ways to Make Your Man Drop to his Knees, Bang his Head Against his Steering Wheel Bloodcurdlingly Jealous:

1. NEVER delete your ex’s phone numbers from your cell phone.

2. NEVER forget to wish your ex’s Happy Birthday (it should go without saying that you NEVER de-friend these guys).

3. ALWAYS create opportunities within conversations to bring up your exs’ skills, prowess and natural gifts as they pertain to his:
a. Kissing
b. D*ck size
i. shape
ii. girth/ length
iii. pleasant coloration
iv. general libido
c. Ability to make you orgasm with
i. his fingers
ii. tongue
iii. penis
iv. mere gaze
v. scent

4. General physique.

5. Charm, charmisma and fluidness in any social or professional situation.

6. Rocketing career as an (fill in the blanks).

7. Finances (be sure to break this one down into his generous money flow) with:
a. Dates, outtings
b. Clothing, gifts
c. travel (preferably international)
d. Car(s), apartment(s)
e. Helping family and friends
f. Make a Wish Foundation

8. DIVIDE & CONQUER it’s sometimes best to split up the best parts of your ex’s in to easy categories. For example when it comes to how luxurious or adventurous you used to travel (before having vacationed with current bf) always bring up (insert name).

9. When your current man peters out after 90 seconds in the sack, always turn your back on him, steal the covers and casually bring up (insert name). Extra points if you have a shorthand name for this past sex god. Something catchy like Rick “King of Sex” Stevens, Bob “the Best I ever Had” Franklin. Tommy “Stop making Me Come Already” Cortez.

10. THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR. Please don’t restrict your jealousy-making list to exs. Family and friends can work well too. Spending an inordinate amount of time with a friend (preferably of the opposite sex) can be enraging and strike at a man’s core. So is constantly talking up your father or brothers. Be sure to compare your man to the greatest qualities of these people. When it comes to friends be sure to remind your man how excellent so and so’s relationship appears. Mention all the fantastic things he does for and to her.

11. NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT. We’ve spoken a lot about drudging up the past, and keeping the most jealousy making parts of your past alive and well. That’s fine, but there’s no time like the present too. A wandering eye and a resolve to never fully commit to your man will also keep him on the verge of an ego collapse. When he professes his love, profess how cute his friend Dale, the marine doctor, is. When he asks you to move in with him, look for studios for yourself. When he invites you to a show, tell him no and ask one of your pals if they’re free. Hell, ask one of his pals. In other words use current situations and things he brings up to, you know, chop him down and keep him nervously guessing.

I assure you, if you apply yourself to this list, your man will be a jealous fool. He’ll have to carry his envy and resentment in a wheelbarrow. Not to mention your Dad is a great gardener and invented the proto-type for the most popular selling wheelbarrow at Home Depot. Isn’t that what you want? A man who stands timidly by your side? Less stable than Betty White careening down a mountain on a pair of speed skates?