Do you know what you’re looking for in a partner? This question is just as important for the seasoned dater as it is for the newest single among us. Sure, maybe at this point you want a broad range of search options. Maybe you think it doesn’t matter if he’s a Plumber’s assistant, even though you’ve got a law degree. It’s all about your desired goals and outcomes.
Ouch.
That sounds so…. business like. And it is. This is serious business. Don’t start looking for a man or a woman if you don’t know what you want. Why? Because you’ll be sitting in your car waiting for him outside of a Long John Silver’s thinking to yourself, “What the hell am I doing here?” I promise.
Dear Diva, Do I Really Need To Have An Image Of My Next Date Or Future Partner?
Every person who uses online dating or other means to find date has a goal in mind, conscious or unconscious. It may not be completely formed but you have an idea of what you want.
Vague-I want to go out to dinner and a movie occasionally.
Specific – I want a man, 6’2″ tall, with dyed black hair who will help me with yard work.
More specific-I just want to get laid Saturday night.
When you know what you want you can begin to narrow the search. And, you can start to figure out what likes and dislikes, work experience, physical capabilities, etc…to look for. Me? I don’t want to have an intimate relationship with a man who dyes his hair; but, I might let him help me with the weeding.
For example: If you want a man who enjoys yard work maybe you should start frequenting local garden centers, horticultural events, flower shows or walking trails. There’s no point in contacting the guy who states on his profile that he hates doing yard work because of his severe allergies. Right?
Since I typically prefer well-prepared, gourmet meals I should never have agreed to a date with a man whose idea of good food is Long John Silver’s!
These may be slightly exaggerated examples. But, my point is that you should start to craft an image of the person you see yourself dating. It can be a useful exercise in clarifying what kind of partner you want and assessing the things that really matter to you in a relationship.
Does It Matter If-
- He hates eating out and you want to explore new restaurants?
- He/She can’t stand being around children? You have grandchildren you adore.
- You date someone who thinks it’s OK to cheat on his or her partner as long as no one knows?
- Your date is significantly shorter than you?
- Your date is from a foreign country?
- You live and breathe Nascar but your date thinks it’s a Redneck Thing?
How Will You Know If You Haven’t Taken The Time To Do A Little Thinking About What Matters To You?
This isn’t rocket science. Get out a sheet of paper, now, and start writing. A column for What I Want and one called DealBreakers- and start making your lists. It’s only an exercise. I bet that you’ll find the very act of thinking about this will give you a little insight into your dating preferences.
Now What?
If you’re using one of the online dating sites to look for a date/partner you can use your list in a couple of ways. You can modify your searches to exclude certain factors. For example, if smoking is a dealbreaker for you then check the box that eliminates smokers. Oh, wait, you think you can help him stop if he’s good looking enough? Ha! (this is a whole different topic to be visited soon).
Honor Your Dreams And Wishes.
As you read through profiles tune in to the qualities you want in your ideal partner. If you’ve decided you want to find a friend for dining out and movies, you can see what kinds of food preferences he has. “All-American burger and fries” or “Love ethnic food”? You can begin to narrow down the list of guys you find interesting based on your stated preferences.
By no means am I telling you to ignore the successful doctor with a great physique and 10 photos of his house, his boat and his gorgeous dogs–if you want to give it a shot. It may not matter that he’s been divorced twice, smokes and only eats artificially colored hot dogs.
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