Between the free food, the open bar, the excuse to get dressed up, and the chance to dance all night with your friends, weddings can be a beautiful thing. It’s great to see your friend or family member getting their chance to shine, and it’s always touching to see a young couple making a lifelong commitment to each other. That being said, weddings tend to be a lot more fun… when you’re not in them. While it’s super flattering to be asked to be a bridesmaid, you might find yourself feeling less than enthusiastic. You’re not alone. We might not say this stuff out loud, but a lot of us have thought it. With a little bit of guilt, we present to you 101 reasons not to be a bridesmaid:
1. Because you’d rather not spend $200 on a dress you’ll only wear once.
2. And that price doesn’t include the fittings and alterations, which cost plenty more.
3. Especially since you’re going to hate the dress. Nobody doesn’t hate the dress.
4. And it’s silly to expect a group of women– who are all different shapes and colors– to look uniform.
5. And somebody’s bigger boobs are going to fall out,
6. and somebody’s smaller boobs are going to cave in,
7. and somebody’s going to gain or lose a lot of weight between the fittings and the wedding.
8. Because by the end of the night, the dress will end up stained by something, be it:
9. champagne,
10. wine,
11. some kind of sauce from the disappointing reception dinner,
12. sweat, or somehow
13. bood.
14. Because you don’t want to pay $100 for some mousey updo
15. that makes you feel like you’re going to prom.
16. Or a manicure that won’t even make it through the night.
17. Or uncomfortable heels that look awful on your feet,
18. which will need to be dyed to match the dress,
19. and will end up dyeing your feet.
20. Because you’re bad at walking in a straight line down an aisle.
21. Because weddings freak you out.
22. Because weddings make you depressed.
23. Because weddings make you really emotional, and
24. you’re going to ruin your expensive makeup by crying it all off.
25. Because you can tell you were only asked to be in the wedding to avoid some kind of drama.
26. Because you can tell you were only asked to be in the wedding to make the number of groomsmen and bridesmaids even.
27. Because you can tell you were only asked to be in the wedding because the bride promised you would be when you were thirteen.
28. Because you can tell you were only asked to be in the wedding because people expected you to be.
29. Because you don’t like the bride enough to spend that much time with her.
30. Because you like the bride too much to ruin your friendship by witnessing her pre-wedding freakouts.
31. Because you don’t like the bride enough to guarantee you won’t be silently judging her the whole time.
32. Because you like the bride enough to save her the money she’d spend on your bridesmaids’ gift.
33. Because you don’t want to see people from high school, or
34. college, or
35. your old job, or
36. church.
37. Because you don’t want to get drunk and embarrass yourself in front of the bride’s family.
38. Because you don’t want to go to an event with an open bar and not get drunk and embarrass yourself.
39. Because you don’t want to get your butt squeezed by some handsy groomsman.
40. Because you don’t want to cozy up for a slow dance with your friend’s husband’s brother.
41. Or think up an excuse to not dance with your friend’s husband’s weird grandpa.
42. Because bachelorette parties are expensive as hell, between
43. traveling,
44. a hotel room,
45. presents for the bride,
46. drinks (for you and for the bride),
47. various penis-theme novelty items,
48. male strippers,
49. therapy (to help you forget about the male strippers).
50. Because you don’t have the time to plan a bridal shower,
51. or the Pinterest savvy to make cute centerpieces,
52. or the money to spend on a present,
53. or the patience to watch the bride pretend to be surprised by a gift she picked out herself.
54. Because all bridal shower games were invented by Lucifer, and
55. those little cucumber sandwiches don’t fill anybody up.>
56. Because you’ve seen 27 Dresses way too many times.
57. As well as Runaway Bride.
58. Because one time a bride went crazy and stabbed her fiance over a disagreement about wedding colors.
59. And you’ve watched more episodes of Bridezillas than you’d ever care to admit.
60. Because you don’t want to hang out with the other bridesmaids, or
61. the bride’s mom, or
62. the groom’s mom, or
63. the sadistic lady at the bridal shop who thinks you ought to try on the dress in a few sizes up.
64. Because you have better things to do on a Saturday afternoon.
65. Like watch Netflix.
66. And eat chips.
67. And count all the money that you didn’t blow on bridesmaid crap.
68. And be grateful that you’re not the one getting married.
69. Because you’d rather get a root canal than catch the bouquet.
70. Because the idea of some random dude putting a garter on your thigh is really creepy.
71. Because you’ve never been able to do the Electric Slide.
72. And the Cupid Shuffle reminds you of getting dry humped at a school dance.
73. Because you don’t want to feel like you’re at a school dance, period.
74. And you don’t want to get dry humped by anything at all, or
75. do the Chicken Dance, and
76. you always have visible pit stains when it comes time for the YMCA.
77. Because you love your friend, but not enough to pretend you love weddings.
78. Because you love your friend, but not enough to go bankrupt.
79. Because you’re too old for this shit, or
80. too young to afford it, or
81. too tired to deal with it all.
82. Because you don’t think the groom is good enough for the bride.
83. Because you don’t think the bride is good enough for the groom.
84. Because you don’t get along with the other bridesmaids, or
85. you get along with them better than you do the bride.
86. Because you know the bride is really stressed out,
87. and it’s your job to make her feel better,
88. which is really hard,
89. and expensive,
90. and sometimes requires male strippers.
91. Because posing for wedding photos takes forever, especially since you’ll be
92. starving, and
93. tired of wearing heels, and
94. sweaty, and
95. painfully aware of how bad you are at fake-smiling, and
96. sick of cozying up to the rest of the bridal party.
97. Because you’re a little bit jealous of the bride.
98. Or a lot jealous.
99. Or thrilled that you’re not her right now.
100. Or wishing you could express your love for her in some way that doesn’t cost a few thousand dollars.
101. Because even though weddings are a lovely thing, being a bridesmaid usually isn’t.
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