Tell Valentine’s Day to kick rocks. Call up Christmas and say, “you can keep your three hoes, Santa.” Message the Ides of March and tell it to…well, I don’t know exactly what people do on the Ides of March aside from watch their back. But I’m sure some wayward couples celebrate that day together. Fact is, Halloween is a perfect couple holiday. And I’m here to tell you why!

It’s the only time of the year when dressing up as a tandem isn’t frowned upon.

I don’t care what anybody says, nobody looks cool being intentionally coordinated with their significant other. You can dress like your kid but after age three even that looks ri-damn-diculous. But on Halloween, being a celeb couple or superhero duo looks cool. That’s real love right there.

Candy sorting is a two person sport.

Let’s assume that you have kids who will go trick-or-treating. They’re bringing all of that candy home which you will have to sort out to make sure it doesn’t kill them. It’s SO much better to do with your partner because its a bonding experience. You can wax philosophically and poetically about days of yesteryear and the candies you used to receive and then hold hands over a candy apple you have to throw out because it seems to be laced with cyanide.

Fear is a great aphrodisiac.

Go ahead. Scare the bejesus our of your girlfriend and see how pissed she gets. Then see how hard you have to work to make it up to her. Then see Dick and Jane smang.

No gifts required.

It’s a “holiday” that doesn’t require getting anybody anything. Do you know what that means? Nobody gets pissed for getting the wackadocious giftsauce. Word to big bird. Everybody wins. Khaled Sheen.

Halloween makes for great couples parties.

You’ve got office Christmas parties that somebody always tries to get out of. When was the last time your boo opted out of a Halloween party with you? If you’re a tandem then its a guaranteed date night. Schwing!

Babies and toddlers dressed up for Halloween are adorable.

Nothing makes you say “aww” like a baby in a cute little bumblebee outfit. Or dressed like a pumpkin. Or a sheep. And do you know what happens when you say “aww” out loud? Love. Awww.

Long walks while trick-or-treating are the key to everlasting love.

I’ve often contended that taking walks together is how you keep relationships going forever. Have you ever noticed how many old people take walks together? That’s GOT to be the key to forever. Well, trick-or-treating requires taking long walks. Together. As you get candy from people who paid good money for it. Then you get to talk about other people together which as we all know is the key to eternal damnation. But the key word there is eternal. See? Forever.

Ladies tend to wear skimpy Halloween outfits.

You want to get your man’s motor running? Give him the old slutty nun outfit. Or the french maid vampire combo. Less is more. And that’s how you remind your man what he’s got. Halloween is the holiday that keeps on giving! Heck you might even get a gift out of it. Number 4 be damned.

Men tend to go uber goofy, which reminds women why they fell in love in the first place.

I’ve got no proof of this, but women either fall in love again or despise their men more strongly after they see him dress up like the ultimate doof. This assumes that they’re not doing a couples schtick, which they SO totally are! Love rules, man. Love rules.

Pictures, pictures, pictures.

There’s something lovely about looking back at a picture of you and your boo dressed as Batman and Robin or Herman Cain and Michelle and then remembering why you fell in love in the first place. Awwwww. See? That’s love and it nobody dresses like Herman Cain on Christmas!