Signing up for online dating is painful in the sense that you have to come to terms that you are strolling the internet to find people to touch you.  Essentially, part of you is telling the world that you are a creep, you accept it, and you’re going to post personal photos as proof of just how okay you really are with it.

But once you finish with the 723 questions required to create your online dating profile, you are rewarded with a swarm of messages from some very…interesting characters.  I could write an entire blog, novel, school textbook – you get the idea – on the types of messages I have received.  But if you are looking for a response to your message, it’s not nearly as complicated as the online dating population makes it.  (Please note that these are my own personal online dating rules.  I’m not presumptuous to believe we all have similar standards.)

1.) Don’t offer to lick my face.

Honestly, who reads a profile and thinks, yes, yes I want to lick this person’s face and I will immediately message them to let them know just how badly I want to lick their face.  What kind of response are they looking for from me?  I mean props to them for trying.  Maybe I’m that person who receives said message and instantly thinks, “Why yes.  I would love for this person to lick my face.  That would be fantastic.  I never knew I wanted someone to lick my face but now that he’s offered, I’m excited and ready for this experience!” 

No, I don’t want you to lick my face.  But I’m sure this person will someday find their soulmate.  Ideally someone who enjoys fresh salvia on their cheekbones.

2.) Don’t message me and tell how my profile looks “cool”.

That’s the most you can come up with?  Clearly this a copy-and-paste job because “your profile seems pretty cool” just feels a little too vague to be genuine.  My profile has multiple mentions to me excessively and unnecessarily peeing outside.  This is my attempt to let it be known that not only am I creeper prowling the interwebs to get some human company, but I’m also a little bit weird.   Under no terms does my profile come across as “cool”.  Dorky? Yea. Annoying? Of course.  The dude offering to lick my face was more appropriate in his comment than you are by implying my profile is “cool”.

3.)  Don’t insult what I enjoy.

I have had far, far too many individuals read my profile, see that my shallow life consists of running, hiking, camping, outdoorsy things, and (understandably) peeing outside.  Then they message to tell me they hate all of these things.  Why on earth would I go camping when I could sleep in a bed?  And why would I go to the woods when the city has so much more to offer?  I am constantly informed that running is the worst thing anyone could possibly do to their body.  They personally would rather sell meth to school children then put a pair of running sneakers.  But maybe we should grab a beer sometime because I seem pretty down to earth.

Oh, can we?  Can we really?  Because I would absolutely love it if you could to shit on the few things I enjoy in life to my face. Please.   That would be super fun and I’m totally looking forward to it.  Insulting what I love is the equivalent of telling me they find my face pretty heinous but would love to grab a some dinner.  You down?  No.  No, I am most certainly not down.

4.) Never give nicknames to people you don’t know.

A recent study by Naturazi showed that using a person’s name in conversation creates a culture of respect, recognition and consideration for the discussion.  Messaging me “hey cutie” and nothing else tells me you looked at my picture and sent me a message but you skipped over the rest.  In my mind you have confirmed you have the reading level of a fifth grader and yea, you could read my profile but you don’t really have time because you’re busy messaging baby names to people you don’t know.

5.) Don’t call me rude when we have never actually spoken.

If you message me and I don’t respond, maybe that was my choice.  Maybe I read your message, checked out your profile, and superficially decided it wasn’t meant to be.  Or maybe I was too busy working a full time job and changing my cat’s litter box and I haven’t gotten around to checking my messages.  You don’t know what I do.  Therefore, you have zero right to send me a second message telling me how incredibly rude I am for ignoring you.

Yea, I’m a jerk.  I know this.  But if I read your profile and decide I’m simply not interested in someone who lists the six things they can’t do without as “Jesus, french fries, Jesus, hot showers, a comfy bed, and Jesus” then that’s my choice.  Why should I waste your time telling you I’m not interested?  My lack of response is a clear indication that I don’t have the same love for Jesus.  Or maybe I was binge eating ice cream while watching a Breaking Bad marathon.  Or maybe I’m just an asshole.  Either way it’s up to me and there is absolutely zero need to send me a second message pointing it out.

6.) The aim to a successful message is to ask relevant questions.

If I say I like hiking, then ask me where I like to go hiking.  I respond to these people 97 percent of the time.  (The unanswered 3 percent are hard drug users or Jesus fanatics.)  And in typical online dating fashion,  I assume the best in everyone.  Why? Because nothing bad has ever happened to anyone who partook in online dating activities.  My responses to these insightful individuals are usually witty and contain the location of my favorite hiking trails, GPS coordinates included.

7.) Actually read my profile.

It’s only like two-hundred characters long.  Don’t message me asking what food I like when 108 of my characters talk about how my diet consists of coffee, cheese, and ice cream.

8.) Likewise, if you want someone to read your profile, it shouldn’t take me 27 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

I will assume that you are equally as tiresome in person and stop after the first 233 lines.  I tried.  But anything over that is excessive.

9.) Post a picture of yourself.

No one responds to profiles without photos.  NO ONE.  This is a hard rule here and I can confidential say it applies to 99.7% of the online dating population.  We all signed the contract saying we were creepy, so you might as well own it.  You could be heinous and maybe I dig that. But anything I assume in my head of how you appear when you have no picture is far worse than any picture you could actually post.  You clearly are hiding something terrible.  You have to be. I have mentally formed a picture in my head of you having three nipples, one of which is on your left cheek.  Why else would you  have no profile  picture?

10.)  Just tell me you enjoy peeing in the woods and you would like to do it with me sometime.

I will find you witty and admire the ownership you take in your creepiness.  It’s a guaranteed way to ensure not only will I respond, but we will be fast friends.  Potentially soul mates.