There’s a growing move among Americans to go “no contact” with their parents, and that could have unforeseen consequences. Professor Karl Pillemer, author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, found that 27 percent of Americans were cut off from a family member, with 10 percent being cut off from either a parent or child. “It became clear that estrangement is a very widespread problem that was hiding in plain sight. I felt it was critically important to bring this problem out of the shadows and into the clear light of open discussion and dialogue,” said Pillemer when asked about writing the book. Pillemer stated things like harsh parenting, disapproval over life choices, favoritism, and divorce often lead to the schism between parents and children. The estrangement often caused profound sadness. “I learned that people who are estranged from a family member feel deep sadness, long for reconnection and wish that they could turn back the clock and act differently to prevent the rift.”

The percentage of young Americans cutting off relationships with parents is even higher, with one in four stating they were estranged from either one or both of their parents. This may be a result of a greater focus of cutting off “toxic” people and focusing more on “found families” rather than families of birth. Pillemer stated that there needs to be more research done on the long-term impacts. “There are no longitudinal studies. One of the biggest problems in this area is how little research has been done, even though it’s a problem that affects millions of people and causes a lot of psychological stress.” Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement, noted the impact of social media in promoting the trend, with influencers promoting “you don’t owe your parents anything.” Young people then believe estrangement will help them heal. “And for a therapist, it’s a very rich narrative: ‘The reason I have these issues is because of failures in my parenting. And if I only had different parenting, I’d be this ideal person that I think I should be,” said Coleman.

The growing focus on trauma has led to parents being cut off for less obvious things like abuse. “What I hear from boomer and Gen X parents all the time is, ‘I would never have cut off my parents, and my parents were abusive. And now we’re being cut off for things that are hard even to fathom,’” said Coleman. Families might break up over political differences or a parent not approving of a child’s LGBTQ+ identity. Simone Bose, a relationship therapist based in London, stated many parents whose children went “no contact” displayed “narcissistic behavior.” “[Narcissistic parents] don’t have healthy boundaries with their adult children and can be critical, needy or portray themselves as ‘the victim.’ Sometimes all you can do is restrict contact with this person,” said Bose. The trend, however, could be contributing to declining birth rates as more Americans choose to delay getting married, or even choose to not get married or have children at all. Jeanette Tran, an associate professor of English at Drake University compared the trend to a Shakespearian tragedy, reminiscent of the plot in “King Lear.” “The advantages of belonging to a family are so obvious that losing that affiliation, intentionally or not, is tragic,” wrote Tran. “‘King Lear’ ends with almost all the characters dying, but because this is a play – a fiction, a fantasy – they get to ask for and receive forgiveness before the curtain closes. Real life doesn’t usually work like that…”