The Change Game is a toxic game we play in our relationships where we secretly try and change the other person to become more like us. This never works because no one likes being manipulated, both sides are miserable and the change never lasts. Romans 14:1 gives us a better way forward when it says to accept one another without quarreling over disputable matters.

So if we’re honest and realize that we’re playing the Change Game, how do we stop? How do we stop manipulating people on disputable matters and embrace them like the Bible tells us? Here are five steps to start:

1. Cultivate humility. It starts with realizing that maybe, just maybe, you don’t know everything, and maybe, maybe, there’s more than one right answer to something. Humility is always a safe place to start. In Matthew 5 Jesus starts the Sermon on the Mount by saying, “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” happy are the humble.

2. Walk in the Spirit. How do you know when a matter is disputable or indisputable? How do you know when something is just a preference or a hill for you to die on? Ask God. James 1 says if you need wisdom, ask God for it and he’ll give it to you. If you ask and listen, the Spirit will tell you when a matter is disputable or not.

3. Be curious. Seek first to understand, then to be understood, as James Covey wrote in 7 Habits of a Highly Effective Person. Seek to understand the other person’s viewpoint and why they are the way they are. This will give you a new and better perspective.

4. Model the change you want to see. You can’t change someone else, but you can change yourself. Many times the change you want to see in someone else is a cue for what God is trying to do in your life. So change yourself. Make your life so incredible and appetizing that the other person wants what you have, not because you’re forcing them or manipulating them, but because your life inspires them to hope that there is a better way to live. So model the change you want to see and pray like crazy that God gets a hold of their life.

5. Embrace the messes. On disputable matters, which is by far the vast majority of matters, embrace the other person. Accept them. Don’t just hold them at arm’s length. Bring them closer, bring them to your heart, just like Jesus has accepted you, mess and all. That’s how we stop playing the Change Game.