33 When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified Jesus there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father,forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. Luke 23:33-34

If you want to learn to truly forgive like Jesus, here are three essential steps you need to take:

1). Pray for them. If you want to start where Jesus started, you need to start with prayer. In the hours before Jesus was arrested, we find him praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus wasn’t just praying to kill time before Judas showed up, Jesus was praying to prepare himself for what was about to happen. In fact, Jesus taught this. Look what he taught earlier in his life:

28 Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Luke 6:28

He says it again in Matthew 5:

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:43-44

If you want to start down the path of true forgiveness, it always starts with prayer. Now, praying for them doesn’t just mean praying judgement on them. If you truly want to forgive someone, your prayers can’t always be: give them warts and really bad dandruff.

You need to begin to pray for their souls, pray for their redemption, pray for God to move in their lives. That’s the first step. Pray for them.

2). Focus on how much God has forgiven you. When Jesus asks God to forgive them because they don’t know what they’re doing, Jesus has perspective. Perspective is a powerful thing and can give you the power you need to forgive someone.

If a one year-old could talk coherently, they would most likely be incredibly upset with their parents for taking to the doctor and getting shots. Think about it from their perspective. Here they are, a helpless baby. Their ‘supposedly’ loving parents take them into a cold, sterile room and allow a random stranger to stab them and puncture them with sharp objects and inject alien substances into their already frail bodies. Seriously? How is that love?

As parents, that’s love because vaccinations save them from a more horrific disease later on. It’s all about perspective.

When we struggle to forgive, many times its because our perspective is too small. We’re focused on that one act of betrayal and the hurt that goes with it. We focus on it until it consumes our world and begins to blot out the sun.

When we focus on how much God has forgiven us, we gain perspective. We remind ourselves just how many times we’ve hurt others and how God continually forgives us. That’s the whole point behind the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18.

3). Choose to put the poison down. If its still difficult to forgive someone because of the hurt they caused you, then think of forgiveness in purely selfish terms. Forgiveness isn’t you condoning their actions, in fact forgiveness doesn’t have to be about them at all. Make forgiveness about you. Don’t just forgive because they deserve it, forgive because you need it.

When you choose not to forgive, when you choose to hold onto unforgiveness, that unforgiveness turns into bitterness, and that bitterness is a poison that will destroy you and everything you love in life. So think of forgiveness simply as you choosing to put the poison down.

I love this quote from author Anne Lamott, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”

That’s some of you right now. You’re mad and angry at people that aren’t even here. Maybe they’re out of state, maybe you haven’t talked to them in years, maybe they’re already dead. But you’re still holding onto that anger and bitterness. Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

The sad reality is that the person you’re bitter at probably couldn’t care less what you think, that’s why they hurt you in the first place. But that anger and bitterness has to spill somewhere, so you’re immediate family, your spouse and children, have to suffer the effects of the poison you’re spewing out everywhere because of unforgiveness.

Choose to put the poison down. That’s what true forgiveness looks like.