Previously, I wrote about my gratitude for the work I have here at Beliefnet, and how writing astrology for a living (for many sites) can be pretty unpleasant and uninformative reading. But that’s not the only bad astrology out there on the Internet. There’s also the “self-appointed guru” type of practitioner. You know the type: the one who has all the inside scoop on how the Universe really works. Read on and let me know if any of this sounds vaguely familiar…
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Greetings friends! I am Dr. Taurus Von Stroganoff (THC, MDMA, YOLO), the world famous astro-predictologist, astro-sexologist, and astro-enterologist! I am here to give you uncanny and unparalleled guidance based on my own genius, revealed Divine knowledge, numerous Spirit guides, and an internship as a file clerk at the Akashic Records. I have a wide selection of Spirit guides. So many in fact that I often don’t know whether or not to refer to myself in the first or third person. Dr. Stroganoff cares not for your silly grammatical nitpicking!
I am here to predict your future, to give you guidance, and best of all TO REALIGN YOU CHAKRAS using an ancient technique known to all the ancients (but only revealed to me) called ASTRO-CHICANERY! Only ASTRO-CHICANERY can predict the future, help you lose weight, improve your memory, remove curses AND make you more attractive! ASK YOUR ASTROLOGER IF HE OR SHE CAN DO ALL THAT! I AM AN ENLIGHTENED MASTER!! CAN YOU NOT TELL HOW SERIOUS I AM???
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Only DR. TAURUS VON STROGANOFF (WWJD, IDK, BRB) can see your future and see it better than anyone else! HERE IS AN EXAMPLE of his profound insights…
In an exclusive communication transmitted by Doctor Stroganoff to his landlord last year, I boldly predicted:
“Blood will rain from the sky, and everywhere there will be pudding. Dogs will bark in Swedish, and everywhere Kardashians will flaunt their buttocks. Only sincere repentance, and a further two week extension on my rent, can prevent it.”
…And amazingly, within a week, the landlord hurt his thumb nailing an eviction notice to a door exactly as predicted! EXACTLY AS PREDICTED!!
Once again, Dr. Stroganoff has boldly foreseen the future! In a recent email (a mere six weeks ago!) to the CEO of his cable provider, he wrote:
“Lies and iniquity overrun the land. A great fanged Beast will rise from the depths which can only be defeated by a shining light from above. This will postpone Armageddon for but a short time, lest ye remove these incorrect charges from my bill. There is absolutely no way I ordered ‘Naughty Nursing Academy XII’ from your On Demand menu.”
…And today in fulfillment of my prophecy, the San Jose Sharks were defeated by the Dallas Stars by a score of 4-2! EXACTLY AS PREDICTED!!
All must bow before my amazing predictive powers!
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IS YOUR ASTROLOGER GOOD ENOUGH? SMART ENOUGH? ENLIGHTENED ENOUGH? NOT UNLESS YOUR ASTROLOGER IS DR. TAURUS VON STROGANOFF (IMHO, FWIW, IDGAF)! CLICK HERE TO SEND ME MONEY!
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