I generally really like Capricorns. I do! But even I have to admit that one of the driving forces for a Capricorn is to get and maintain a sense of control. That’s not necessarily a bad thing — none of us like too much chaos in our lives for too long. I was about to sit down and write a sympathetic compatibility guide for the Goat People when apparently word got out, my door was kicked in, and a dozen jackbooted troopers handed me this instead, and gently persuaded me at gunpoint to post this instead of what I had in mind. Oh Capricorn, your darling thing, you…
***
Comrades:
Certain forces have conspired to, at times, deny Capricorn the love and romance that Capricorn requires to function as a powerful, independent entity. In order to more efficiently address this matter, you have all been assigned to one of twelve cadres. You will receive your final score when you are ordered to return home, or to the factory, or to Re-Education Camp, where you will have a glorious time supporting our future triumph over the forces of solitude.
Aries: Your fire and passion are admirable, but it’s so uncontrolled and undisciplined that there’s a constant risk of you burning down what we’ve built. Go to the camp.
Taurus: Solid, dependable worker. Excellent at following the Party Line, but your focus on the comforts of life… including a slight tendency to stray… is worrisome. You may return to your home.
Gemini: Scattered. I have a hard time believing that you believe in the goals of The Party, given your fondness for enemy propaganda. Your charm is lovely, but it also makes me suspicious. Report to Camp!
Cancer: Sweet, moody, and defensive, just like me. With time and discipline, you could make Chairman. Just watch the overreacting with distance when I overreact to you with distance. Report to home…. and bake me cookies.
Leo: Completely counter-revolutionary. I understand the need to keep the troops entertained, but I always feel like Fifth Harmony is still on stage with you when it’s time to charge the enemy hill instead. You know where we could use talent like that? Camp!
Virgo: Excellent quality. Stable, intelligent, and efficient. However, you tendency to worry is worrisome to me, and makes me question your loyalty. But I know you don’t mean it. Return home anyway, with an escort from Security.
Libra: Decadent! Completely unfocused on anything of real value to The Party. All this romance and sweetness is merely a cover for your desire to not take things seriously. The appearance of not taking it seriously enough is equivalent to lack of seriousness. Thoughtcrime! Report to Camp!
Scorpio: I admire your intensity, and how well-armed you are. That intensity can be worrisome though: it makes you prone to lashing out. A little time in the factory sewing cheap exports will perfect you. Once you’ve learned you’re lesson… full parole.
Sagittarius: Once again, entertainment value is no substitute for ideological commitment. You have ideology certainly… it just isn’t mine. And what you do have is shamefully disorganized. Thank you for the attempt at amusement. Camp!
Capricorn: Solid and dependable, just like me. Secretly sweet too… just like me. Truly an equal. the only problem here: do you recall being told this was a democracy? No, neither do I. Allow me to demonstrate. Go to the factory!
Aquarius: We’re so completely different that it’s hard to see how you can fit into the society I have planned for you. But you’re dedicated to a higher goal too, so you may report to the factory. But sit right under Surveillance Camera Twelve.
Pisces: Your emotionality isn’t my usual style, but this foreign technology called “compassion” you possess is of great interest to The Party. In time, it could be forged into a powerful weapon of romantic victory. Report home, and stand by for further compliance.
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