The following is a transcript of a conversation between THE UNIVERSE and TAURUS, which took place on April 19th at 10:45 AM, Eastern time.

(Trigger warning if you are an actual Taurus.)

(Wondering what the next few months hold in store for you? Write me with your date, time, and place of birth — and I’ll send you a free sneak preview!)

THE UNIVERSE: Congratulations! The Sun is back in your Sign!

TAURUS: Thank you! What did you get me this year?

THE UNIVERSE: Um, well… There’s a New Moon in your Sign on April 22nd that will give you a real chance to set some important goals for yourself.

TAURUS: That’s nice, but every Sign gets a New Moon every year. What else do you have?

THE UNIVERSE: Mercury enters your Sign on April 27th. That should be pretty good for expressing yourself.

TAURUS: Mercury transits are kind of boring.

THE UNIVERSE: Quiet! Don’t let him hear you say that. He hears everything you know, and his self-esteem isn’t that great.

TAURUS: Okay, so is that it?

THE UNIVERSE: Well, let me see… your ruling planet Venus is in Gemini right now, and that’s your Second House. In general, that should be good for your finances.

TAURUS: Great!

THE UNIVERSE: But of course it goes retrograde on May 13th. If I were you I would set the credit cards down and back away slowly from them.

TAURUS: You seriously suck, dude. Is that the best you can do?

THE UNIVERSE: Let me see… Saturn retrogrades back into Capricorn on July 1st. And that means it will stop squaring you.

TAURUS: I guess that’s… something?

THE UNIVERSE: …and then it goes back into Aquarius in the middle of December.

TAURUS: How long does that last?

THE UNIVERSE: (hesitantly) Until March 2023.

TAURUS: (sobbing) You really hate me, don’t you?

THE UNIVERSE: There there, it’s not that bad. You’re just feeling unsettled because Uranus is in your Sign now, and that’s pretty disruptive for anyone.

TAURUS: Uranus is in my Sign now? When did that happen?

THE UNIVERSE: March of last year. Don’t worry, eventually you’ll get the hang of it. It’s going to be in your Sign until 2026 after all.

TAURUS: (Wailing uncontrollably) You hate me! You hate me!

THE UNIVERSE: Oh, calm down dear. Here, look — I got you a cake.

TAURUS: (Suddenly much more cheerful) I love cake!! Yayyy!!

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