The following is a transcript of a conversation between THE UNIVERSE and GEMINI, which took place on May 20th at 9:49 AM, Eastern time.

(Trigger warning if you are an actual Gemini.)

(Wondering what the next few months hold in store for you? Write me with your date, time, and place of birth — and I’ll send you a free sneak preview!)

THE UNIVERSE: Congratulations! The Sun is back in your Sign!

GEMINI: Thank you! What did you get me this year?

THE UNIVERSE: Let’s see… May 22nd is going to be a busy day for you! Not only will you be trine to Saturn, but there’s also a New Moon!

GEMINI: That’s awesome! Any chance this means the month ahead will be lucky for my love life?

THE UNIVERSE: Probably not. Venus is retrograde in your Sign, and it’s square Neptune. Sorry.

GEMINI: Oh. Well, okay. What else you got?

THE UNIVERSE: On May 29th, you’ll be sextile Chiron. That would be helpful for working out any emotional issues.

GEMINI: Thanks, but I’m feeling lucky with those. What’s next?

THE UNIVERSE: You’ll be conjunct Venus on June 3rd!

GEMINI: Oh, awesome! Too bad that transit doesn’t last very long.

THE UNIVERSE: And on June 5th there is a Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius, opposite you.

GEMINI: I don’t like the sound of that.

THE UNIVERSE: I didn’t think you would. You’re not going to like it on June 18th either when the planet that rules you, Mercury, goes retrograde. And the day after that, you’ll be square Mars in Pisces, so that’s likely to cause even more agitation.

GEMINI: Dang it. Anything else?

THE UNIVERSE: Nope. Sorry. That’s all you get.

GEMINI: What’s the deal? Nothing exciting and powerful? No aspects from Jupiter or Uranus or Pluto?

THE UNIVERSE: Sorry. This time around those planets are all in Signs that quincunx or semisextile you. They’ll be more of a minor nuisance than anything.

GEMINI: This sucks! I feel ripped off.

THE UNIVERSE: You think that’s bad? Wait until you enter Cancer on June 20th and you see the crap Jupiter and Pluto are going to pull on you.

GEMINI: Ugh.

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