The votes are in on the Fake Band Names contest! I’d announce the victor but I’m waiting for a committee to decide whether or not we accept full or half-votes from the residents of Michigan and Florida.

Not really. But let me just say Hillary Clinton is crazy the way she refuses to accept that somehow she can make the math work to get the Democratic nomination. She’s just like 2nd Lt. Hiroo Onada, a Japanese soldier who was discovered on Lubang Island in 1974 — 29 years after Japan’s formal surrender — which Hiroo had heard about on the radio only he didn’t believe the reports. So he stayed hidden in the jungle, fully armed and waiting to be given his next order. Everyone in the world knew it was over but him, and Hiroo didn’t even have superdelegate math to ponder. Hilary is like that guy. Only it’s not a war. And she’s not likely to emerge from the jungle with a rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition. Hopefully.

Anyway, that was a weird digression. The votes have been counted and the winner is…

RAWBONED DONKEY AND THE SADDLEBAGS

Submitted by reader “Jeremy.” Jeremy, send me an email via the Contact Jason link above and we’ll work out the details. You win a free Fake Band Shirt of your choice. Check out your four options here.

Rawboned Donkey and the Saddlebags comes from Genesis 49:14 — “Issachar is a rawboned donkey lying down between two saddlebags.” It’s a creative submission for sure, and really would make a great band name.

It wasn’t my favorite of the finalists, though. (My personal vote went toward the 2nd place Make Haste, Zacchaeus — which I still think is brilliant.) In fact, RDS almost didn’t make the group of finalists at all. I hesitated on its inclusion, for two reasons:

1. It’s not word-for-word. But that’s understandable, because Rawboned Donkey Lying Down Between Two Saddlebags would be too long, even for a Sufjan Stevens cover band.

2. It’s from the New International Version. I didn’t require all names to be from the King James Version of the Bible, but in my heart I am fonder of KJV names. Had Jeremy gone with King James on this one, it still would have been an excellent name…but it would have been PG-13. Here’s the King James translation of Genesis 49:14 — “Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens.”

Call me crazy, but Strong Ass and the Two Burdens is possibly the best fake band name I’ve ever heard. Jeremy, your submission is a winner and you get the prize, but it could have been better. I’m just sayin’.

Here are the numerical results for the finalists:

Rawboned Donkey and the Saddlebags
(28.92% of the vote)

Make Haste, Zacchaeus
(24.10%, submitted by Tonia Chapman)

Throw Down These Horns
(16.87%, submitted by Matthew)

There Was Corn in Egypt
(15.66%, submitted by Bryan Allain)

Daughters of Zelophehad
(8.43%, submitted by Felicity)

Blight and Mildew
(6.02%, submitted by Ganns Deen)

Great job, everyone. Let’s do this again sometime.

Are you satisfied with the results? Jeremy, use the comment section to gloat. Other finalists, use the comments to complain. Everyone else? Use the comments to tell which name you voted for and why.