Last week I embarked on a humble campaign. I’m trying to convince the people of the world that, in fact, our world will NOT end on December 21, 2012, regardless of what the ancient Mayans may or may not have predicted.

In addition to what I wrote last week, I would like to summon a new witness to the stand. His name is Apolinario Chile Pixtun, and he is an expert on the subject seeing how he is no less than an authentic Mayan Indian elder.

That’s right: a real, live Mayan (see photo at right). Mr. Pixtun lives in Guatemala. Let us ask him a question.

Mr. Pixtun, how do you feel about everyone running around saying the world is about to end because the ancient Mayan calendar allegedly comes to an end on December 12, 2012?

Pixtun: I came back from England last year and, man, they had me fed up with this stuff.

Thank you. You may be seated. Now I would like to call another witness to the stand. His name is Jose Huchim. He is a Yucatan Mayan archaeologist. Mr. Huchim, based on your experience with the Mayan people and their predilection for prophetic utterances, what do you think they would say if you asked them about the year 2012?

Huchim: If I went to some Mayan-speaking communities and asked people what is going to happen in 2012, they wouldn’t have any idea.

What if we reminded them that their ancient astronomical skeelz gave us the idea the world would end in three years?

That the world is going to end? They wouldn’t believe you. We have real concerns these days, like rain.

Thanks. You may be seated. Good luck with the rain. I would now like to call David Stuart to the stand. Mr. Stuart is a specialist in Mayan epigraphy at the University of Texas at Austin. What’s this about the Mayan calendar coming to an end and it signaling the end of the world?

Stuart: It’s a special anniversary of creation. The Maya never said the world is going to end, they never said anything bad would happen necessarily, they’re just recording this future anniversary on Monument Six.

Let the record show that the “Monument Six” Mr. Stuart refers is a stone tablet discovered in the 1960s, which seems to describes something which apparently supposed to occur at the end of the present calendar cycle, which correlates to the year 2012. This event may or may not involved Bolon Yokte, a Mayan diety we don’t know much about but who is associated with both war and creation.

Let the record show that if you don’t believe in the existence of Mayan deities, you probably shouldn’t believe the world will end in 2012.

Also let the record show that erosion and a big crack in the tablet make the passage pretty much illegible anyway. So there’s no telling what it really says.

Claire Huxtable, from numerous episodes of The Cosby Show: Let the record show!

Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. You may be seated, too. Now I would like to pose a question to AP writer Mark Stevenson, who wrote a great article about the subject yesterday. Mr. Stevenson, what do you think will happen on December 21, 2012?

Stevenson: Most archaeologists, astronomers and Maya say the only thing likely to hit Earth is a meteor shower of New Age philosophy, pop astronomy, Internet doomsday rumors and TV specials such as one on the History Channel which mixes “predictions” from Nostradamus and the Mayas and asks: “Is 2012 the year the cosmic clock finally winds down to zero days, zero hope?”

Ooh, that’s good. Nicely put. Did you know that I, Jason Boyett, am one of the so-called experts who appears on one of those 2012 History Channel shows? It was “Decoding the Past: Doomsday 2012: End of Days.” I’m very proud of it.

(silence)

Would you like to see the sum of my appearances in this program? I don’t actually say anything about Mayans or Nostradamus. Mostly I talk about the Bible while cheeseball reenactments appear on the screen.

(silence)

Anyway, here it is.

Yes, your honor. I realize that’s a pretty old video, and the goatee is pretty lame. What? Oh, yes, I’m done with the gratuitious self-promotion. That will be all. Yes, I rest my case regarding 2012…for now.

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(All “witness” quotes taken directly from “2012 isn’t the end of the world, Mayans insist,” written by Mark Stevenson for the Associated Press. Except for the one from Mrs. Huxtable, which is taken from my impeccable memory.)

Photo credit: AP Photo/Moises Castillo