Everybody has their own tastes in Christmas ornaments. We have two trees at our house. One is a smaller tree and is filled with ornaments our kids have created over the years. They get to decorate this one all on their own.

Our larger tree is filled with two kinds of ornaments: those we have purchased over the years to commemorate family trips (starting with our honeymoon), and a smattering of tasteful, elegant red ones. My wife and I get the kids to help us decorate this tree, but they do it under our supervision.

That being said, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to hang the following real ornaments on their trees:

The Skeletal Santa:

Mommy, what happens when Santa dies?

Santa doesn’t die, Jimmy, but unfortunately he IS subject to aging. He gets so old that eventually his skin disintegrates until he’s just a jolly, grinning skull. But the Santa hat is forever, so we’ll still know it’s him.

Get a skull-in-Santa-hat here.

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The Nearly-Devoured-by-Sea-Creatures Santa:

Maybe I’m looking at this wrong, but is that a ghostly pale Santa being torn to shreds by a clan of red sea urchins? I think it is. Probably explains why all the blood has drained from his face.

Get your scary-Santa-being-devoured ornament here.

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The Ropin’ Cowboy:

I just want to know this: Why does he have a looped lasso AND a string for hanging from the tree? Could you just combine those into one all-purpose ornament accessory?

Get your Brown Rodeo Round-Up Ornament here.

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The Fish-with-Makeup:

So, here’s the thought-process behind these handmade ornaments: 1) We should put some fish on our tree! 2) Those fish should have eyelashes! 3) Fish have big lips, so let’s put some lipstick on them! 4) Pass the bong! 5) What if one of the fish had human teeth? Yes! 6) Let’s sell these. People will love them.

Get your fish-with-makeup ornaments here.

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The Crap

You know what’s missing from my Christmas tree? Excrement, that’s what.

Get your Christmas poop ornament here.

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The Face of the Dark Side

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: the visage of Darth Vader sharing space with Baby Jesus, or the fact that this polonaise glass ornament originally cost $79.99.

(Sorry, kids, this ornament is no longer available.)

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The Partial-Santa-Plus-Christ-Child

As inspired I am by the fact that Santa appears to be babysitting Jesus while Mary and Joseph go for a diaper run, I am equally horrified by the fact that Santa’s torso appears to have been severed from the waist down. Makes chimney landings a little sketchy, if you ask me.

Get your legless-Santa-and-Jesus ornament here.

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What’s the weirdest or most unique ornament on your tree?