I received some very bad news yesterday, courtesy of a YouTube clip blogged about by Bryan Allain. It’s a song that aired on “The Mornin’ Show,” a local program on WTVA, an NBC affiliate in Tupelo, Mississippi.

Tupelo, as you may now, was the birthplace of Elvis Presley. But I’m pretty sure Elvis would never have sung a song like this. You probably won’t have the intestinal and/or mental fortitude to watch this entire clip, but you get a pretty good sense of it after a minute or two. So enjoy…then stick around for some thoughts.

The bad news? There will apparently be no breakfast foods in Heaven.

1. I love breakfast. In fact, last night at our every-Friday-night gathering with my parents and my brother’s family, we ate waffles, eggs, bacon, and other delicious breakfast items. It was, indeed, heavenly. An eternity where these foods are “no mo” is not as appealing as I once thought.

2. On the contrary, I associate afterlife bliss with the prevalence of breakfast foods. What is paradise if not a place where you can eat eggs, bacon, sausage and biscuits all day without worrying that your choleterol-soaked arteries are on the verge of collapsing? What is paradise if not a place where there are fountains of gravy and 24-hour hot biscuit vendors with carts? What is paradise if not a place where the bacon is always perfectly crunchy…the eggs are always exactly over-medium…and the hashbrowns are topped with the precise amount of Louisiana Hot Sauce?

3. If the Christian afterlife is a breakfast-free zone, then all that stuff about it being “a glorious day” and a place with “no more crying” is going to have to be rethought.

4. Worst. Backup. Singer. Ever. You can totally tell that she is not sold on Heaven’s breakfast ban, because she’s singing with the gusto of someone who just saw her pancake slide off the plate and land syrup-side down on the floor of IHOP. And you totally can’t eat it once that happens.

5. “Nuts of Grapes” is brilliant no matter the context. What? Did you stop too early? Then proceed to the cereal verse, which begins around 2:15.

6. OMG. I hear a drum beat, but I do not see a drummer. Who cares about the heaven/breakfast connection when these people have an invisible drummer! Those drums won’t play themselves. Is this some kind of Marty McFly/time travel scenario where the band members slowly disappear? Because drummer guy is totally gone.

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I’d love to get your thoughts on this. What favorite breakfast items will you potentially miss in heaven?