Stillman Brown is on vaca-, uh, retreat.
Tomorrow I embark upon my first meditation retreat, at Karme Choling in Vermont, with my kid sister and the fearless and jovial Ethan Nichtern. A familiar mixture of anxiety and innocuous, bubbling excitement kept me up last night, like a kid before his first day of sleep-away camp, wondering, “What does it look like? Will the people be nice?,” and “Can I bring beer?”
The odd thing is, I’m not worried about day after day of practice or the potential for upsurges of past anger, hurt, or loneliness. John Kabat-Zinn and Jack Kornfeild both describe long, difficult work with old traumas while on retreat and I think that has become a meme in my brain – Go on retreat, get in touch with deep shit, emerge a better practitioner. The thing is, I don’t feel particularly angsty these days. I’m in a stable living-in-stressful-and-energizing-New York-as-usual state of mind. It’s going to be nice to step away for a week, but I don’t need to step away. Perversely, I almost wish I was more messed up right now – more material for the compassionate, ethereal meat-grinder that is meditation.
I’m most excited about spending a week with my little sister (who, at 6’1″ isn’t so little), who went off to college last year and whom I don’t get to see very often. I’m thinking the bucolic setting and contemplative atmosphere (replete with chirping Dharma birds and fawning Dharma deer) will keep us from getting into one of our famously violent arguments.
And then there’s the weather. We’re camping (for free! woo!) on the center grounds and if it rains (as expected) next week, the accumulation of mud, grit, and stinking socks will be a challenge to embrace mindfully.
Whatever happens, meditative fireworks or no, I’ll be sure to share my experience (and any and all embarrassing Ethan moments) with ya’ll in a couple of weeks. Wish me luck!