Not to sound repetitive, but I’ve been thinking a lot about anger lately. At the retreat last month we talked about feelings of anger towards others. But what about anger that is directed AT us, from someone else other than us? You can’t really console yourself with the fact of whether it’s justified or not. If you think it is justified then your own self anger kicks in – God, I was such a jerk to that person, what the hell is wrong with me? I’m horrible. If it feels unjustified, you get angry at the person who is already angry at you – How could they even think that about me? They are totally wrong! What a jerk! So blame doesn’t work.

Where does the compassion come in for someone who is angry at you? And if you are angry at him or her to begin with, it makes it all the harder – Well then why should I make the effort to work with these feelings? Are you supposed to let the person’s darts hit you? Do you throw darts back? Do you sit down cross-legged on the floor and wait for them to stop shouting? Walk out the door? Compassion is very difficult to do (well, at least for me) when you’re feeling wronged, because the urge to get your side heard above all is very strong. That’s a challenging thing to practice. I think it has to do with letting go of the “who’s right, who’s wrong” mentality, but easier said than done, right? Anger can come from a place of wisdom or confusion. In the heat of the moment, it’s very difficult to know which. I don’t know if my meditation practice will completely eliminate that “heat of the moment” moment for me (though that is my hope), but it might help me recognize when someone else is in that state, and figure out how to be compassionate to them. What does that compassion look like?

In my measly 21 years of life and experiences with relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners, I think the most important thing I’ve learned thus far is that nothing is simple – nothing is black and white. People can be good-for-you-slash-not-so-good-for-you. People can be right-slash-wrong. Oftentimes it’s a very complicated mix. Sometimes there is no clear-cut answer to a problem.

And, well. A dozen doctors haven’t figured out why my stomach has been hurting me for 21 years. It’s tragic, but sometimes things just don’t work.