I am commitment averse. I’m not a hopeless case – I can still show up to meetings and maintain a long-term relationship and care for a puppy, etc., but I often have trouble sticking to the broader commitments in my life, like exercising regularly and treating people with kindness and eating broccoli. I don’t meditate as much as I’d like, either.
This self-knowledge floats in the back of my mind as I get ready to take my Refuge Vow this Saturday at the Interdependence Project’s Becoming A Buddhist retreat, led by Acharya Eric Spiegel (what is an Acharya? It sounds like a Vietnamese flavor of corn chip – crunchy, but not safe for Westerners). 

Back in July, IDP scion Juan Carlos taught a special Monday night class about the Refuge vow and I left that night certain I would take it. I had just returned from retreat at the holy-crap-it’s-lovely-here Karme Choling and felt wonderfully empty of the usual psychic flotsam and jetsom. My sense of correctness in deciding to take the vow hasn’t wavered, but I am nervous about my commitment. I’m a guy who can’t make himself floss every other night – how the hell will I live by the Five Precepts?
I don’t take this lightly and, like a seam of loose, crumbly coal running through otherwise solid stone, I’m worried about my ability to follow through. It’s not a question of readiness or will – am I going to make the daily, difficult choice to practice, to be a part of my sangha, to remember my vow and let it inform my life?
This is not to say I’m questioning the usefulness or truth-ness of Buddhism. The deeper I go in to my practice, texts, and the IDP sangha, the more right it feels. It’s the same sensation I get from a certain song when I feel like it was written just for me. Buddhism speaks to me. So: no doubts there, and part of the reason is that our American strain of the Dharma invites critical attention and dissent. Unlike the self-conscious, neu-hippie pan-gloss of my childhood experience with the Unitarians, or my mother’s Catholic church, which looked and felt like a dungeon, Buddhism gives me room to breath. 
I wouldn’t call myself a religious or spiritual person, either. I think the term “spiritual” has been overused and diluted to the point of laughable non-meaning in our culture. Anyone who tells you they’re spiritual simply doesn’t know the word for the soul-lifting sensation you get watching a gorgeous sunset (answer: “sublime”).
I never imagined I would be the first person in my familiy to formally commit to a faith (or, to be more precise, a non-deistic philosophy of life and conduct). The non-deistic core of Buddhism is especially important for me. Since adolescence I’ve felt it was, at best, odd to believe in some external, interventionist force/person called God. At worst, it was infuriating that organized religion claimed a monopoly on morality – how, thought my angry 13 year-old self, can the Catholic church condemn birth-control in light of their intolerant, violence-strewn history? And how can anyone belong to such a thing?
Not to boast, but Ethan has mentioned several times that, to his knowledge, no Buddhist leader (post-conversion) or nation has ever started a war (I’m sure I’ll get murdered in the Comments section for that one). Now that’s something I can get behind!
I’m also keen to learn the mystical wisdoms of the initiates. Levitation, for one. 
As to my vow: Like Juan Carlos said – you’ll know when you know. 
Well, I know, and it feels good. See you on Friday or Saturday.