Last night, as I was staring at my lap top trying to think of something to write for this week’s post, a friend and I started chatting on g-chat. It was just the usual small talk, until I mentioned I was considering going out to San Francisco for a few days and staying with my ex. Without me asking for an opinion on the matter, she said it “wasn’t good” and “always ends bad.” This was followed by a “whatevs- your life.” I was a bit taken aback by this response. Granted, the ex and I have had our fair share of drama, for which this friend has been present. However, people and relationship dynamics change and evolve and the two of us (the ex and I) talked about what my trip out there would mean, what the expectations (if any) are, etc. And really, I love San Francisco and it would be nice to get a way for a few days. So, while I appreciate my friend’s concern about the possibility of me getting hurt, it’s just not a concern I share at the moment.

This interaction reminded me of a quote we discussed yesterday during Hardcore Dharma (Pt. 2) from Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki:
Even though you try to put people under some control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. They will be in control in its wider sense. To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him. So it is with people: first let them do what they want, and watch them. This is the best policy. To ignore them is not good; that is the worst policy. The second worst is trying to control them. The best one is to watch them, just to watch them, without trying to control them.
So, I guess I wasn’t feeling that I was being given a “spacious meadow.” As I thought about it more, I also questioned my reaction. I basically said that I just wouldn’t talk to her about this person anymore and our conversation ended rather abruptly. Maybe I wasn’t allowing her a large enough meadow either. I know she was coming from a place of caring. After all, it was her kitchen I cried in when I found out the ex was cheating on me. I get it- no one likes to watch their friends get hurt. But at what point does genuine caring turn into an attempt to control?
I’m studying to be a therapist and a common dilemma for students is fighting the inclination to offer advice and problem solve. We’re not supposed to assume we know what’s best and I think the same applies to friendships. Also, as in therapy, there are a lot of transference issues in friendships. Sometimes we notice patterns we don’t like in ourselves and this provokes a reaction. So, what to do? An awareness of your own issues certainly helps as well as a recognition of impermanence. People and circumstances change, so no matter how certain we feel in our knowing how something is going to play out, we never really know for sure. The balance between genuine concern and control can be tricky. How do you all handle this dilemma?