How to beat a dead horse. First, you must find a dead horse. Frequently these can be obtained at the end of horse races, or alternately by going out to pasture, where old horses are often put in later years. Once said horse is located, you are going to probably want to use some kind of blunt implement to do the beating. A club will do nicely, as would a corn cob or possibly a large hardcover novel.
If the horse cries out when you begin beating it, it is in fact not a dead horse and you should let him continue sleeping. He may even tell you he is just “closing his eyes for a second” – apologize and let him get away with the ruse, even though you know he is really napping.
This is an opportune moment to ask yourself, why beat a dead horse? Get creative with your reasons. Maybe this horse looked at you funny once, and now you’re getting yours. Maybe you were dating the horse and found out he was having an affair with some cheap filly down the road. Maybe this horse killed your Pa.
It’s also important to recognize that the reason matters only to you. After all, the horse is dead. He doesn’t know he’s getting a beating. He’s just a big pile of potential glue and dog food. He’ll probably be sold off for parts, and you’re just helping things along by tenderizing him a bit.
If no dead horses are forthcoming, beating a live horse hard enough can hasten along the process of finding a dead horse to beat. If at some point you are mistaken for a dead horse, and someone beats you, get up and pull the wagon. They will be surprised and delighted and will probably stop beating you.
In other news, it’s said there’s more than one way to skin a cat. However, I can only think of one way and it’s not pretty.