I missed this weekend of Hardcore Dharma due to a performance gig, but sat down with the podcast to get an idea of what bubbled to the surface from the week’s reading of our Theravaden text In The Buddha’s Words, An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon, edited with commentary by Bhikkhu Bodhi.
From the question of direct experience to Tina Turner to head shops, HC Dharma was all over the map last Saturday.  So, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I thought we’d focus on that red-hot issue of desire.  We got it, we know its kind of problematic, yet we also feel our lives might be empty without it.  Frankly, desire seems a human indicator of well-being – if a relationship is going well, one desires their partner, if one’s health is good then you desire a sandwich.  Any depressed person who has ever launched a love affair with a comforter and the cracks in the ceiling knows that you do not want to not want.  Any depressed person also knows they’re getting better when their answer to “what do you want to eat” or “would you like to take a shower” is not “whatever” or “same diff” but rather, “pancakes” or “yes.” 
But the big ole question that comes up in reading these early suttas is, isn’t the Buddha telling us to forgo desire?  In one of the suttas we read, the Buddha tells a guy named Headman that suffering is rooted in desire.  It is because he has desire or attachment to his wife that he would suffer should she be executed.  And that without desire there would be no suffering.  And we need to transcend desire to escape samsara.  Of course, everyone’s immediate reactions are all, “harsh!” and I understand that.  But I also understand what the sutta is saying: if you are an enlightened being, beyond samsara, you will not feel the kind of attachment towards loved ones that will upset your equanimity should they pass.
And this brings me to a confession, a thought that’s been accumulating weight in my watery brain over the past few months:
I do not want to get enlightened.
It’s true.  You know what else?
I don’t want to escape samsara.
I don’t.
I want to be a good person, indulge in sensual pleasure, love my friends and family, do well in my worldly pursuits, get emotional, get attached and suffer when those attachments are severed.  I want Buddhism to continue to help to reveal myself, know myself and loosen the grip on my sense of self so that I can be more helpful to others.  I want to work at maintaining the excellent sense of perspective that Buddhism provides: the ability to see interdependence, its lessons on impermanence, on loving kindness and maintaining a personal sense of well being.  But I’ll tell you right now, I’m pretty set on staying on this samsaric side of the cosmic ocean.
Now if any of you know me personally (or even e-personally) it is clear that me saying I don’t want to get enlightened is like a turtle saying they don’t want to be a sports car – don’t sweat it, Jules, there’s not much danger of that happening anyway.  But it’s slightly ironic that my lack of desire to attain enlightenment probably contributes to my attachment to desire.  If I was more conditioned towards desiring enlightenment, my grip on worldly desire might loosen.  Also, wanting to become enlightened, even if it wouldn’t happen in this lifetime, seems like it might supersize my practice – make it more effective and easy to cultivate the lay person goals I previously mentioned.  As it is, perhaps as my practice deepens over the years I may have a different view.  I don’t think it’s necessary to temper what the Buddha says about desire.  Yet I wonder if it’s more necessary to throw a mirror up to ourselves and say, yeah.  That’s what he’s selling.  And right now I just don’t want to buy.
Or maybe that’s a silly speculation.  By practicing Buddhism as laypeople are we automatically dismissing the possibility for enlightenment?  Have people thought about whether (hypothetically) or not you wish to become enlightened?  Escape samsara, love every being as much as you love your mother or husband or wife? Do you have the desire to maintain equanimity should your spouse or child pass?  Are these questions beside the point? 
And in closing, I’m going to Philadelphia this weekend, so if there’s any recommendations for fun things to see/do/eat I will accept them here.  I hear there’s a killer vegan cheese steak on the loose.
 
Happy Love Day,
 
TF