Greetings and Salutations Tushkateers!   It is my habit to pause, think (imagine that) and review the events of the week, before I write you. Has anything happened during the week that is ‘shareable?’ Anything happen that might be useful to developing healthy living habits?

This week? YES! I got psycho over pizza. The short of it: We visited friends in a far away state. We had a healthy breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. I was done eating. “All good,” as they say.

BUT … close to 11 pm, after an evening of music at the local jazz club, ‘they’ (they as in everyone but me) wanted to stop and pick up pizza. Not so bad. Buy it, load it into the car, eat it at home. 3 minutes of smelling it (a fast drive back to the ranch). I really didn’t want any, anyway. Seriously. No problem.

BUT … when they said that they were hungry and started to eat in the car, I began to lose my mind. Not only could I smell it, but they were all chewing loudly. Or so it seemed, to me. Maybe my exhaustion was amplifying the sound. I straightened out my thoughts. I regrouped. I told myself that I could deal with one slice of eating and I did.

BUT … when they wanted another slice, while we were still parked and I was held ‘captive’ in the back seat, I just couldn’t go along with ‘it’ any longer. So, I took in a deep breath, and I said, doing my best to modulate my inner-screaming madness, “The smell is getting to me. Could we drive back to the house and y’all can enjoy your pizza then?”

My friend said, “Why don’t you just have a piece?” To which I replied, “It’s not that I want a slice. I’m not hungry. It’s just that the sound and smell is making me nauseous.” (Sound = chewing noises.  I probably should have left that out.)  And so we did – drive back to the house.  They ate.  I didn’t.

So – with regard to Sandy D’s ‘Chewing the Fat’ email from last week (Part A answered then). Here is Part B of your ‘dining with others’ lesson for this week. Do your best not to go psycho on people; do your best not to get the police involved, but do take care of yourself.

You really can ask for what you want; you really can advocate for yourself. AND if you are worrying about what others think of you, remember we are all little judging machines. They may have ‘talked about me’ afterwards, but I just ‘talked about them!’ Judging the sound of their chewing!

At the end of the weekend, they still loved me/us and we’re seeing them again soon.

Now …  a bonus guide to Dining Out with Dignity!

The Our Lady of Weight Loss’s Twelve Step Program to Dining Out with Dignity

Step #1 – Get twice as much bang for your calorie buck. Choose fish or skinless chicken over meat. (One ounce of fish and chicken is approx. 50 calories; one ounce of meat is approx. 100 calories). Be sure to say dry, ‘no butter’ at least three times.

Step #2 – Order an appetizer as your main course. It’s more than likely enough food.

Step #3 – Say ‘super-size me’ when ordering salad. (You heard right, the one and only time you can say it – just for salads,- so say it loud and be proud.) Request the (low-fat, if available) dressing ‘on the side.’ Alternatively, squeeze some fresh lemon, salt and pepper, and you’re good to go.

Then do ‘The Fork Trick.’ Dip the fork in the salad dressing, then spear salad with fork, then eat. Be careful not to unconsciously dip the salad in the dressing first. Got it?

Step #4 – Order up a platter of steamed vegetables and then self-Esteam yourself. Even if sautéed they will more than likely be swimming in butter or oil. Be sure to say ‘no butter’ at least three times, followed by three nice things about yourself. (I am fabulous and funny. I love my NuYawk accent. I was so nice to my sister today, even though she drove me nuts.)

Step #5 – Potatoes are not the enemy! Order a baked potato with plain yogurt on the side. Or a sweet potato – truly delicious plain and simple.

Step #6 – Eat low to high. Start with the lowest calorie foods first, so by the time you get to dessert, you’re full.

Step #7 – Eat Slowly and Masticate Your Food. Chew your food until it’s pureed! And put the fork down between bites. You don’t want to finish while everyone else is still chewing away. (It could get ugly.)

Step #8 – Be assertive (not aggressive). The restaurant wants your business, so even if the words broiled, steamed or poached are not on the menu, you can request that form of cooking. Assertive means asking, even insisting. Aggressive means storming into the kitchen and hurting the chef.

Step #9 – Scream I’m allergic. If you get a sense that they don’t get what you are saying, just tell them that you are highly allergic to butter and oil. (I’ve done this on more than one occasion. It is always fun to watch my husband’s eyes roll to the back of his head.)

Step #10 – Sip slowly. A glass of wine is approx. 120 calories. One glass is okay.

Step #11 – Share. Order one dessert. It’s okay to take a bite or even two. Savor it. Unless, it’s a red light food and is going to send you over the edge. Then order fresh fruit.

Step #12 – Almost forgot – the holy bread basket. What to do? Have a piece and then as quickly as you can, move that basket as far away from you as possible.

MORE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS COMING NEXT WEEK!!!   (You too can ‘converse’ with Our Lady of Weight Loss, the patron saint of permanent fat removal – just write her with the specifics of your ‘challenge.’   Please write “Chewing the Fat” in the subject line, so that OLofWL can ‘find’ the letters without difficulty. She zeroes in on the subject lines – and reads anything and everything that says CHEWING THE FAT in it. Apparently, she is prone to chew fat!)  

Spread the word … NOT the icing!

Janice
wise * fun * utterly useful

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