Yes, if you’re really stumped, you can get (or get me) a Sarah Palin wall calendar! Or not.
Perhaps a “Calendario Romano 2009″ with the “Priests of Rome”–one clerical hunk per month? I got these every time I went, as they make great gifts. Then I discovered that some of the Father What-a-wastes were actually the pinup models they looked like. Ah, the vocations crisis strikes again! (Though this guy looks pretty genuine.)
If the priestly pin-ups threaten your sexuality, or just creep you out, then perhaps you’ll opt for the new Burger King body spray, FLAME. Check it out here (creepy mood music). Or the Gothamist’s take:

Burger King has released a limited-edition men’s body spray that evokes the smell of freshly broiled Whoppers. But isn’t this what they spray on the burgers already for authenticity? No! According to a press release, “The King is setting hearts ablaze for the holidays with his new scent of choice. FLAME™, a new men’s body spray by Burger King Corp., features the scent of seduction with the hint of flame-broiled meat. A favorite of the King, FLAME™ is available for purchase for a limited time at select Ricky’s retailers in-store or online.”

Of course, there’s ALWAYS a Catholic alternative–like The Pope’s Cologne, an “aristocratic, Old World cologne with surprising freshness” that has been recreated from the formula ostensibly used by Pope Pius IX!

The Pope’s Cologne is a classic Old World cologne made from the private formula of Pope Pius IX (1792-1878). We obtained this formula from descendants of the commander of his Papal Guard and lifelong friend, General Charles Charette. We have followed this complex, exclusive formula meticulously, using the same essential oils that his perfumers used 150 years ago. We believe that we have succeeded in capturing the same fragrance that he and those around him enjoyed so long ago. This is a truly extraordinary cologne with surprising freshness and notes of violet and citrus.

See the church never gets rid of anything…
H/T to The Daily Dish, who’s all over the Christmas kitsch.