Project Conversion is the study of struggle and serendipity. Much of what has transpired was unexpected and unintended. This has been a blessing, and I am thankful for these lessons, however there is one post I have anticipated and looked forward to exploring since this journey began: Jacob’s struggle with the angel.

“Jacob remained alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. He [the man] saw that he could not defeat him, and he touched the joint of his thigh. Jacob’s hip became dislocated from wrestling with him. And he [the man] said, ‘Let me go for dawn is breaking.’ He [Jacob] said, ‘I will not release you unless you bless me.’ He [the man] said ‘What is your name?’ He said, ‘Jacob.’ He said, ‘Your name shall no longer be called Jacob rather Israel, for you have struggled with God and with man and you have been victorious.’ Jacob asked, and said, ‘Please tell me your name.’ He said, ‘Why are you asking for my name?’ And he blessed him there. And Jacob called the place Pniel [God’s face], ‘for I have seen God face to face and my soul was saved.’ The sun rose as he left Pnuel. And he was limping because of his thigh. Therefore the children of Israel do not eat the hip tendon until this very day, for Jacob’s thigh joint was afflicted at the hip tendon.” —Genesis 32:25-32

Of all the theological stories and parables I’ve read over the years, I have meditated on this epic battle the most. Many interpretations attempt to explain the meaning behind the struggle. Most of the Jewish Sages identify the angel as that of Esau–Jacob’s brother and rival–and that the angel represents Jacob’s coming into wealth (like Esau) and facing this new burden. Jacob, according to the scriptural passage, is at odds within himself due to the fear of facing his brother who is out to kill him.

So is the angel really God (or a representation) or a spectre of Jacob’s own conscience?

We often come to a crossroads in life where fear, doubt, and anxiety present themselves as gatekeepers to our future selves. Indeed, in this case we become our own worst enemy. Our apparent impasse manifests as a reflection of our own fear and we have no choice but to face this fear head-on. The outcome determines who we will be on the other side–whether or not we come out victorious or not depends on what we bring to the fight. Do you have faith (in yourself or God)? Have you anticipated this juncture and prepared accordingly? One of the most difficult aspects of these trials is accepting the fact that they are a regular occurence in life. Doubt will ask us if we can truly worship or maintain a relationship with a God that needs to test us. This question however, assumes that God needs anything to start with. Does God need to test you, or do you require tests to grow? Gold cannot be purified without fire. A child cannot graduate to the next grade until standards are met. You cannot run until you learn to walk…and fall many times in doing so.

The Jewish ideals on struggle and tests are unique in my journey thus far in that there is little consensus on the matter. Theories abound as to why humanity (and Jews in particular) must suffer evil in the presence of a supposedly all-good God. We can sympathize with them, particularly in the case of the Holocaust. Why? Why would God allow six million Jews to die? Many use the argument of free will. Like fire, it is a gift that may be used for good or evil. As one Jew wrote on a wall when hiding from the Nazis, “Just because there is a cloudy day, it doesn’t mean the sun doesn’t exist. So it is with God.”

Jewish literature in the Torah is full of holy men questioning God’s motives for why things are the way they are. Many Psalms ask why good things happen to bad people. Job outright invites God to debates regarding righteousness. And here with Jacob’s struggle we are asked to believe that he faced God in a form of combat. Are these stories asking us to question ourselves and even God? I think the answer is yes. What many miss however, is that the existence of God is never in question–it’s actually taken for granted–and the relationship between God and man becomes like that of a parent and a somewhat “spirited” child. Few faiths permit this sort of loving yet open relationship.

By the end of Jacob’s struggle, he is so profoundly impacted by the experience that his name is changed to Israel, “One who struggles with God,” and thus the namesake of an entire nation. It makes perfect sense then that Jews in particular have this familiar attitude with God–it’s in their spiritual genes to struggle with God. This concept might seem foreign to many in other faiths, however it’s an attitude I identify with comfortably. Anyone who’s followed Project Conversion at any length can see this. This journey is illustrated by struggle and triumph, screw-up’s and illumination. Some may feel that a relationship with the divine requires a pious and meek subservience–and for those people, I wish them well–but if we are to believe that God is large enough to have a personal relationship with all humanity, then my connection with God is uniquely mine and, well, I just don’t roll that way. I get trashed looking for God. I burn myself while meditating. I go to a river and find him in the nastiest river in eastern North Carolina. I see him in my arguments with my kids. He is there with me as I welcome the sunrise. It’s our relationship and it’s rocky, painful, exhilarating, and real.

My “struggle” with God is therefore my peace. Like Jacob, much of my spiritual growth stems from my battles with fear or questions, but it never threatens my faith. I am fully aware of the change the fires of this journey have already caused. And there will be more. In this sense, I am Israel too. I am one who struggles with God. Remember the video I posted about the Eminem/Rhianna song? Yeah, it’s like that. Maybe now that there is some scriptural basis via religion’s greatest heroes, it makes a little more sense to come away from a fight with God with a black eye and wanting to go back for more. Every battle is fierce, but that’s life. Like a boxer whose finger bones grow harder after each fracture, I come away stronger and ready for the next struggle, because life is about our physical and spiritual evolution, that we might serve and be a light to those around us. 

Ready or not, here life comes. Are you ready for a throw-down?