I cannot sleep. Thoughts have settled upon my vulnerable, drowsy mind like a steady snow for hours. It’s now 4 a.m.

I’m thinking about cheating.

An email from one of our Congregation members sowed the seed of temptation when he said that, while he admires my efforts with the other faiths, he only wishes I would spend some time with some nature-based traditions…like that of the Native Americans. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard such a request. During the planning stages of Project Conversion, I actually considered the idea. After all, I’m half Native American. How hard could it be?

Two problems:

1. Little is known about much of Native American spirituality (there are some exceptions, especially out West) due to the expansion efforts and military action of White settlers.
2. The religious and cultural history of my tribe, the Lumbee, is not only virtually extinct but has no consensus.

The solution appears obvious: why not pick a tribe whose traditions are well-defined or just blend many together? Sure, that sounds reasonable, but doing so feels…disloyal. Another thing is that the term “Native American” encompasses thousands groups with many lingual, cultural, and spiritual nuances.

Our next problem is that, oh yeah, I promised my wife that I’d go “easy” this month by not diving into another faith. We already know how she feels about Project Conversion. We know the amount of patience and support she’s offered so far. Is it fair of me to ask her to give up more, for me to go back on my word?

I only have a day to decide. One week is gone already. That means I have just three weeks left to explore this tradition. But with Native American spirituality, the game changes. If I take on this challenge, I will not adopt a foreign world religion, but the traditions of my own people. This will give me a chance to excavate the history, culture, and beliefs of my ancestors. Of course, the stakes are high. Because the spiritual trail of the Lumbee is cold, it will take more to “live and breathe” the practices of this culture than with other religions. The irony is that because I am a Lumbee, the tradition lives within me. But is there such thing as a corporate, spiritual memory? Is this why I feel such a connection with the river which bears the name of my Tribe?

It is one thing to explore the views of others, but it often takes more strength and resolve to take a plunge within one’s self. Am I ready to bring the journey closer to home? Now, it’s personal, and because there is so much controversy surrounding the history of my people, I take an even greater risk depending on my conclusions.

If I decide to do this, it doesn’t mean that all my other goals and promises of the month fall away. I will still dedicate a few posts to some traditions outside the mainstream.  

My wife will wake in a few hours. I promised her that I would attend church services this month in honor of her patience with me so far. There’s no way to know how she’ll react to my idea, but two things are certain: If she asks me not to, I risk spending the year with regret. If she gives me her blessing, there’s no telling what I might find in the well of my past.

Either way, you’ll know Monday morning which course this ship will take.