The truth is many people have had them, they just don’t tell you. Second truth is, it is often about us and the answer is personal reflection. I know there are bad marriages, but I’m talking about the normal folks who get swept up in life and career, who fight about money and kids, and who are good people who hit a rough patch. We can fall in and out of love to degrees. It’s all how you’d define it. I’m not a relationship expert, but I’ve learned a lot about myself through my relationship and observing others around me.

For me, I’ve never been more in love with my husband. It wasn’t always like that. We’ve had a roller coaster at times, being married for seventeen years, and having five kids. Almost a decade ago, we hit a rough patch. It was also one of my rough patches. It’s no coincidence. I had lost sixty pounds. I was drinking too much wine. I realized that being thin did not bring me happiness, so I thought maybe money would. I was looking outside of myself for happiness. My hubby was always stressed out and when he wasn’t working, he still wasn’t present. He had the weight of taking care of our family on his shoulders. I was grateful for how hard he worked, but was going my own personal struggles so I couldn’t really see how wonderful it was. We were disconnected. I’d want to be connected, but it frustrated me. I couldn’t be the only one working on us. I was being conditional with my love with him, my kids, with others, and especially myself. I was guilt-ridden and obsessed with being more, worthy, enough. I wanted to be someone else. Other people’s lives looked so easy.

I felt like I missed out on my twenties as I’d meet people around my age at the gym. Here I was a housewife who had been married at 19, with my first child born a month after I turned 20. I dreamt of having a carefree life where I could buy cute clothes, go out with my friends, and figure out who the hell I was. At the same time, I felt awful for not appreciating my life and all the good there was in it. I was wrapped up in fear. I was always afraid something bad would happen to my children or my husband. I’d think of worst-case scenarios. I remember praying that I wanted perspective, without tragedy. I didn’t want something bad to have to happen, in order for me to see how good I had it. Money woes paralyzed me, made me feel a victim of circumstance, and made me feel like a bad mom. You see, how could our marriage be doing well, if we both were struggling.

I’ve had heart-to-hearts with a few friends who have told me their deepest darkest secrets. I have a vault in my heart I keep them in. I was surprised to find out some of them have had rough patches too. You just have to ride it out and decide you’re in it for the long haul. That’s what they did. They got to the other side. It was a deliberate choice they made to stay and to work on themselves. I don’t have an answer for everyone, but for me, it was to focus on what I loved about him. I didn’t sweat the small stuff anymore. I hugged him more. I was honest with him about my feelings. I also told him I wanted to have another baby. That was baby #3, if you’re counting. Looking back now, I realize that I did that because at the time, my youngest was in kindergarten. I felt my purpose slipping away. I never felt like I had more of a purpose than when my kids were babies. This also always brought us closer as a couple, when we had a new baby. But you can’t just keeping having babies to try to fix your marriage.

Drop the idea of a perfect marriage. Practice forgiveness with your spouse and yourself. There may be multiple rough patches and honeymoon phases in marriage, just like any relationship in your life. Real love is messy. You know whether your marriage is worth saving. You can fall back in love. My advice is trust your gut. Ask yourself if you still love them? Can you see your life without them? No amount of therapy will compensate for what you do at home. It starts with you.

Look within. Work on you. Text love messages to your partner. Stop keeping score. Focus on what you want. Decide on love. Choose it daily.