I’m a glass a half full girl. But even positive people can fall into slumps or need to remind themselves of what they know. I’m currently taking a doing course on mindset among other things.  I’ll share the details when it’s over. I’ve cut out added sugar and my beloved wine. Chocolate, I will see you soon. I’m doing it for thirty days. Getting rid of my mood enhancers has made me angry. Seeing anger arise in me is difficult and shows me how shame can feel again. I don’t like that version of me.

It’s the layers of the onion thing again and I am seeing the root of my anger, asking myself what I want. Where do I feel powerless that I need to assert my power? Where do I still need to work on? Where do parts of my shadow need to come to light in order to heal, rather than live in my subconscious?

This self-examination can make me feel vulnerable when I sure as hell prefer confidence. Asking myself…am I doing enough to make my dreams come true? Am I doing enough in business? Have I trusted the right people in business? I’ve made that mistake before. I’m too trusting and I’ll always be.

Being angry with my kids can make me feel like a terrible person.  It can be a trap I fall into that tells me I’ve learned nothing.  (Totally not true, I know.)

I want to keep the peace, yes, but I want to control them.  Just being honest.  It’s easier when they are nice.  Crazy is normal for kids, I know!  I’m not appreciating them when I’m refereeing.   I don’t want to be a drill sergeant or a door mat, but the middle ground is a wide open gray area.  Gotta find your own way with it and what works.  Working at home calls for me to be organized, scheduled, and go with the flow at the same time (cause baby don’t care about business).  I realize I’ve been focusing on the negative…cause they’ve been bad!  LOL!  But seriously, they play, fight, cry, yell and repeat.  It’s my middle kids, the boys, who challenge my patience immensely.  My seven year old and four year old are like a circus-zoo-carnival-frat house-loony bin-fight club sometimes.  My thirteen year old can be the ringer leader at times.  My oldest is driving now and she’s glad to escape the madness and I don’t blame her.  It would be so great to hit pause and regroup.  Add to the hysteria at times is a teething, nine month old baby who needs my attention.  My nerves can be frayed as I try to be fair and firm, and it comes out like crazy because I’m reacting.  Do I know better?  Sure, but in the moment, I’m human.  Enough with the “woe is me” drama, you get the picture.  As I’m typing this it’s Sunday night, the baby feel asleep too early and she’ll wake up now wanting to stay up until elven o’clock.  Maybe not?  It’s that “me time” I’m fantasizing about at night with my glass of wine, but it’s a cop-out.  I can choose peace. I can choose to look at the glass half full.  My kids are healthy.  I’ll find a way to make things more peaceful.  I’ll be peaceful.  I’ll meditate on peace.

I’ll finish my class for my homework and map out the week for my highest good.  I will focus on enjoying life.  I will make a cup of tea and make time to just be even for just a moment.  I’ll count my blessings. I will focus on what I want versus what I don’t want.  I will focus on the good.