I played tennis in high school. I never won a match. My doubles partner would get so frustrated. She once even threw her racket. I just kept trying. I took private tennis lessons for years and wanted so badly to be good because my Dad loves tennis. I liked it, but I just wasn’t good. I would get scared and I wasn’t aggressive. I was afraid of looking dumb or weak constantly. I pretty much felt awkward until I was 34 really. I liked tennis, but I was really trying to find a worth. To have a value. I didn’t think I was smart, so school I wasn’t going to be exemplary there. I felt less than. I needed to increase my low value. I became bulimic in that quest. If I could be thin enough, I would have value. You see, my friends, this body stuff goes back to even when I was teased at age 10.

I was always either on a journey to be more or escape my feelings. Writing my experiences became a liberation. I, in effect, rewrote my story. You always can folks. You are the author. No matter how bad you have felt about yourself in the past, there is the present which is a gift you get to decide what to do with. Rock your best self. Your value is immeasurable. It is priceless. I’m not saying you have to quit tennis, but maybe try out others like writing. Don’t be afraid. Look at life like an adventure. You will look foolish at times, but it’s so worth it.

You get to question right now how the story has been going.  Were you stuck on being a victim, bad at tennis, not smart enough to do something?  People can take the past dramas, hurtful words of others, family projections of their own limitations and wind up repeating the story over and over again unconsciously.  It’s sabotage, but the worse kind, self-sabotage.  I know it well.  I was the Queen.  I thought so many different things I do not belief anymore.  I wrote two books.  I didn’t finish college.  I went from self-loathing to self-loving.  I knew how to lose weight, because diet and exercise do work, but they don’t guarantee even in the slightest that you will like yourself.   I retrained myself through not just reading the books, but stepping outside my comfort zone, and repetition.  I did things differently than I had before,  therefore changing the future.  I also healed my past.  Forgiveness for myself and others, leaving regret, shame, and guilt out of my story.  Fear and doubt terrorized my mind in the past. I brought in the big guns, peace, love, and joy.  Every day, I put energy in me and I put it out there into the world as well.  It’s like a piggy bank.  What I put into it, I get out of it.  Try it.  Focus on what you want.  To think experience, feel, and be what you actually do want versus do not want.  Life starts again in each moment as a reset.  Don’t wait for Monday mornings.