Yesterday was a bit of an “off” day for me.

It had started the night before.  First, while sitting up in bed reading, I had a daddy long legs walk across my arm and I FREAKED OUT.  Did I mention that I’m afraid of spiders?  I jumped out of my bed and flung my pillows onto the floor, so I could be sure he wasn’t in my bed anymore and hopefully kill him (sorry, spider).

So when I got back in bed and TRIED to relax, I was obviously pretty wound up.  This is without even factoring my still overactive adrenals into the mix.  But regardless, I still tried to go to sleep fairly shortly after that, to no avail.

I kept thinking and thinking about the spider being on my arm (eww!!) and imagining all of his other friends who were about to crawl over me at any moment.

But eventually, I must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, it was a little later and I had just woken up from a BAD dream.  I don’t remember all of it anymore, but I know it was about my mom.  And the one part I do remember, was that I was trying to communicate with her (she is passed) on some iPad-looking thing and I just kept staring at that blinking cursor but nothing ever showed up.  I remember in the dream I felt this HORRIBLE disappointment, fear and sadness that she wasn’t answering me.  And I started questioning everything I know about Heaven (again, in the dream) and where she is.

Needless to say, when I woke up, I was pretty distressed and I spent the rest of the night basically tossing and turning, but never really going back to sleep.

So when 9:00 came yesterday morning, I felt like I had been run over by a truck.  I was physically exhausted from not getting asleep the whole night, but I was emotionally exhausted too from the disturbing dream about my mom.

I tried to go about my normal routine… getting up and feeding the dogs and making my smoothie, before I climbed back in bed to start work.  Except that I didn’t even reach for my laptop.  I finished my smoothie and then laid down on my bed to “rest my eyes” (as my dad used to say).

And just like that, I started thinking all kinds of not-so-pleasant thoughts about my mom.  Reliving things I saw and heard during her final week, re-feeling all the feelings that I thought she probably experienced and on and on.  Like seriously unpleasant stuff.  And I felt the grief literally start pushing up through my stomach and my throat until I felt like it might suffocate me.  My heart started racing and just when it felt like I might burst, the tears started flowing down my face.

See, that’s the thing about grief… it IS a physical occurrence as much as it is an emotional one.

But in the past, I would’ve probably immediately tried to stuff it down or distract myself quickly with something mind-numbing like a TV show or a YouTube video.  But I have learned (the hard way) where that gets me… straight into advanced adrenal fatigue-ville is where.

So instead, I took a different approach.

I extended myself grace and gave myself the time and space that I needed to process my emotions.

Yes, I had a LOT of work to get done.  But that didn’t matter.  What mattered is I recognized that my body (and heart) had some “stuff” going on and I needed to be patient and kind with myself.

So… after spilling my guts to my roommate and getting a much-needed hug, I took my vitamins for the day, got myself a glass of water and got back into bed.  I invited my puppy up to snuggle with me and I spent the next few hours alternating between meditating and taking naps on-and-off.

It felt incredibly unproductive and I knew I’d be further behind with work, but it didn’t matter.  My body needed rest (both physically and mentally), so that’s what I was going to give it.

I also diffused some cedarwood essential oil (to “bring me back down”) and made it a point to keep my room dimly lit for the majority of the day.  When I finally did work a little… I worked on some simple things that didn’t require too much thought or cause too much stress.  And I ended up going to bed at an earlier time than usual.

Overall, it was an “off” day, but it was also the kind of day that is going to happen every once in awhile.  And when they do, it’s important that you show yourself grace, kindness and care.  The same way you would for a friend or family member that was having a rough time.

It seems like a simple concept, but it’s actually pretty difficult for most of us to extend this same type of compassion to ourselves.  We think it’s selfish, silly or that we have “too much to do.”  I know that last trap is usually what gets me.

But the next time you are having an “off” day… whether it’s from grief, stress or you simply just need a “mental health day,” IT’S OKAY.

It’s okay to give yourself some time and space.

It’s okay to pamper yourself a little.

It’s okay to put your own needs first (even if it is just for a day).

After all… if you don’t… who else will?