Pastor David Marvin of Watermark Community Church in Dallas, Texas warned a group of young adults about “3 Signs You’re not Ready to Date” last week and the problems of falling into a dating culture heavily influenced by Disney and music artists like Taylor Swift. Marvin, the pastor of the church’s young adult youth ministries that goes by the name “The Porch,” outlined three common signs that someone is dating the wrong way. The first mistake he noted was “dating delusional.” He referenced popular dating myths that have been perpetuated by cultural icons like Disney and Taylor Swift. Referencing Disney, he said, “You’ve been discipled by Disney from the time that you were 5 years old…I love fairy tales. I love a good knight in shining armor. But fairy tales will lie. Fairy tales tell you messages like, ‘Man, if the shoe fits, it’s just going to be perfect.’ ‘You’ll live happily ever after.’ Fairy tales communicate the same storyline. There’s always a damsel in distress. She needs to be rescued, and you’re looking for her and you’re going to be the shining armor.” He warned, however, “In dating relationships and in love, you’re not looking for someone who needs to be rescued. You’re not looking to be the savior of somebody. You’re looking for a partner in life, not a project that you’re going to rescue.”

The debate has raged about the influence of Disney’s “happily ever after” endings and “love at first sight” storylines. Disney films have often been cited as giving false expectations for dating and falling in love. As Patricia Sarkar wrote in an article about Disney’s false expectations, “If people were more realistic about life, and actually worked to hone their ability to be realistic about love, there would be a lot more happy couples. Moreover, there probably would be less divorce since people would probably realize you need to work in order to make love worth it.” Marvin stressed against the myth of always “feeling” in love, saying, “Here’s the deal with butterflies— those fade. Butterflies fly away. If you follow and live for that, you’re going to fall in love seven times a day. … ‘Soon after, they got married … and it was happily ever after in the sunset.’ That has never happened in the history of humanity and existence and marriage. Marriage is amazing, but it takes daily work and dying to self.

Marvin also took aim at pop icon Taylor Swift’s views on dating, criticizing her song “I Knew You Were Trouble.” “I mean, ‘I knew you were trouble when you walked in.’ Then, why did you date him? … Every Taylor Swift song communicates the same thing, ‘He’s bad for me, but I still like it,’” he said.

He also warned about “dating dehydrated,” saying that many people date with the expectation that it will cure their loneliness. “Don’t approach dating as a hole, [as in] ‘I got holes in my life and I’m looking for you to plug and you to fill them.’ Because they won’t be able to,” he warned. Millennials and Gen Z have popularized the idea of “situationships,” a type of relationship that is casual in nature yet with a sexual component, similar to the idea of “friends with benefits.” Yet, despite having casual relationships meant to fill voids of intimacy, loneliness plagues young people at higher rates than other generations. Marvin stressed that young people must approach dating as a “whole person” rather than a “hole.”

Finally, Marvin warned against “dating damaged.” After the events of the COVID-19 pandemic, many researchers are looking at the effects of trauma from shut downs on young people. Trauma has become a hot topic among Christians, with books like The Body Keeps the Score changing the way many people approach trauma. Marvin stated that a person looking for a relationship first owes it to their partner to deal with any trauma in their life. “If you don’t heal from hurts, from cuts, from things that happened to you, you are going to bleed out on people who never hurt you and never cut you,” he said. “One of the things you have to decide is … ‘I’m going to choose to forgive people that have hurt me. I’m not going to carry this anymore. I’m not going to let this person have any more control in my life. I forgive them.’” Marvin has since followed up his sermon with “10 Keys to Uncomplicated Dating” to help young people better understand how to pursue relationships.