This is Jim. He could become a member of your church if you play your cards right. So we’ve done a lot of research to figure out what will make him want to commit to church membership. As an American he’s already an expert at consuming things so we’ve figured out how to help him consume spirituality. All of this is in the Bible somewhere. We don’t have a reference for it, but it doesn’t really matter because we’re getting people in the door. Quit dissenting. You’re trying to tear apart Christ’s bride.

So what you want to do is get Jim plugged in so he’ll become a member and your church will grow. It’s all about being consumer-friendly. Our market research indicates people are nine times more likely to return to a church that is hip and convenient and affirming. And you have to impress upon them some semblance of community, so try to rally some of that. True community isn’t always convenient or fun though so that’s a tough one. We use the natural flavoring theory, like the chemicals they call natural flavors that taste just like the real thing. Jim probably won’t be able to tell the difference and if he can he won’t want to stick around, which is just as well because then he’d ask a lot of questions and wouldn’t fall in line. So anyway, we’ve researched what will get people to plug into your church and we are selling it to you, the earnest upwardly-mobile modern congregation. It’s a few thousand bucks but you’ll make it back good-measure-pressed-down-shaken-together-running-over style in the lifelong tithes from all those white-collar members you’ll nab. Blessings!