Richard Mouw, the president of Fuller Theological Seminary, sent along this story by a woman who had a harrowing, inspiring experience with the delivery of her Downs Syndrome baby in Bulgaria. He heard the woman sharing her testimony in a recent church service, and asked her to type it up so he could share it with us. I’ll paste an excerpt below, and the entire story after the fold:
I was pregnant with our 3rd child, and at my 34-week check-up we were told that our baby had no amniotic fluid left, that his lungs were tiny and his heart deformed. Just let him pass away in your womb, we were told. Shocked and in disbelief, we frantically ran from one clinic to another getting second and third opinions. Do we trust the doctors here? Do I have the guts to check into the hospital where the experts are, despite its notorious reputation? Scared and confused, I went home, crawled into bed and cried, hoping I would wake up and it would all go away. …
Thrust into the world of special-needs children, we quickly realized the challenges facing parents of Down Syndrome children in Bulgaria. There is hardly any information available in Bulgarian. So last spring we had the opportunity to start the first Down Syndrome Parent support group in Bulgaria and got permission from the Down Syndrome Congress and the AAP to translate their materials for a New Parent packet that is distributed to doctors, hospitals, teachers, and new parents all over Bulgaria.
Life includes pain, and ours is small compared to many others. Jaden is part of a bigger picture, one that we can only see a small part of now.
Tanja Pankratz
Wooddale Church
September 13/14, 2008
“Where are you, God?
I don’t feel you, I don’t see you and I don’t get you.” I cried out to God on that cold day last
October, lying in a grungy hospital bed in Bulgaria.
In my teens, I asked Jesus into my life. I wanted His plans and purposes for my
life, and I wanted others to know of His love and grace that had transformed my
life.
This eventually led me into missions.
In 2004, my husband and I moved to Bulgaria, and after 3
years felt blessed by our Bulgarian friends and ministry opportunities God was
giving us. But then, life took a
sudden turn. I was pregnant with
our 3rd child, and at my 34-week check-up we were told that our baby
had no amniotic fluid left, that his lungs were tiny and his heart deformed. Just let him pass away in your womb, we
were told. Shocked and in
disbelief, we frantically ran from one clinic to another getting second and
third opinions. Do we trust the
doctors here? Do I have the guts
to check into the hospital where the experts are, despite its notorious
reputation? Scared and confused, I
went home, crawled into bed and cried, hoping I would wake up and it would all
go away. I remembered the words I
had just read the night before where Jesus cried out to God, saying, “God will
you take this cup from me, yet not my will but yours.” These words rang in my ears
anticipating I was in for something hard.
My friend Villi had called me just two days before, asking if I was ok.
She had had a dream that I was sad.
Zacharina had a dream of a baby in trouble and with concern called
Villi. Did God prepare these dear
Bulgarian friends to walk this road with me?
The next day I checked into the feared hospital. “He’s alive!” “You mean he’s even breathing on his own?” I heard the
doctors comment while performing my emergency C-section. My heart leaped with joy. Then I heard the word “Downs”, later
followed by many other grim diagnoses – his heart looks deformed, he might live
1-5 years, etc. I vividly remember
lying in an open room with other laboring and recovering women, staring out the
dark, cold window with tears rolling down my cheeks, thankful I had gotten the
window bed for some semblance of privacy.
The next day I was rolled into a room with a cot/bed, a sink with cold
water, a bathroom down a cold corridor which the day we had no water smelled
like an outhouse, and cockroaches as my little friendsJ. Where have I landed? I spent that week crying and wrestling
with God. “Where are you, God, in
all this? I don’t see you, I don’t
feel you, and I don’t get you. I
can’t handle this. Lord, please
take him, if he’s only going to live a few years. I can’t handle the thought of loving him and then having you
take him. I’m scared to bond with
him.”
Despite the silence, God was there as He promises to
be. He found tangible ways to
encourage me. People around the
world were praying for us. Every
day Kremi, Villi, Zacharina, Slavica, Megi, Ina, Reni, Cvetla and others came
by with flowers, a CD player and music, words from the Bible, a hug, laughter
and offers to babysit and bring meals.
They laughed and cried with me.
I heard about some of their more personal past hardships. Stories I would have never heard,
opportunities to know them more intimately and they me. They really cared. I felt so loved.
So, was this all part of His plan, to bond us even closer
with the Bulgarians? To make us
needy so they could show us their love?
Was it to walk alongside Margarita who 8 months before bore a child with
Downs and was also told to just leave the baby in an orphanage? Was it to be able to sympathize and
advocate for my good friend Nade, who soon after gave birth at 31 weeks? Was it to bring us home for reasons we
yet do not know? Was it to grow us,
to stretch us, to test our faith?
We still don’t know the full answer. But looking back at what originally
felt like a devastating nightmare, we already have much to be thankful
for. We treasure holding our
little Jaden in our arms and seeing his heartwarming smile and laughter. Medically he seems to have none of the problems
that were predicted and which are often common with Downs babies.
Thrust into the world of special-needs children, we quickly
realized the challenges facing parents
of Down Syndrome children in Bulgaria.
There is hardly any information available in Bulgarian. So last spring we had the opportunity
to start the first Down Syndrome Parent support group in Bulgaria and got
permission from the Down Syndrome Congress and the AAP to translate their materials
for a New Parent packet that is distributed to doctors, hospitals, teachers,
and new parents all over Bulgaria.
Life includes pain, and ours is small compared to many
others. Jaden is part of a bigger
picture, one that we can only see a small part of now. What we do know is that God loves us
and that we are part of His greater plan of bringing people, including us, to
himself and transforming us into His likeness, a plan God works out in the joys
and trials of our lives. So while we
do not know all His ways nor what the future holds, we do know His love, and we
know in a new way the deep love of our Bulgarian friends.
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