1. Michelle Williams. Okay, so we all know about how Heidi Klum was strutting her Victoria’s Secret behind mere minutes after giving birth, but she’s not of this planet. Michelle Williams, on the other hand? Not from Planet Vicki’s, gave birth 4 months ago and she still turns up at the Oscars looking like a stick insect (in a very pretty dress, but still!) How does that happen? I gave birth after she did and I’m still working the yoga pants with the forgiving waistband 90% of the time.

2. Naomi Watts. When are girls with no chest going to learn that absent boobage you DO NOT go strapless in full or even in part? That when you have a knobby clavicle you do not draw attention to it? Did they learn nothing from Gwyneth’s pink prom dress fiasco? Hoist those puppies UP!

And? Why a dress – boob support issues aside – that looks like bunched-up tissue paper?

3. Keira Knightley so bugs me. I don’t why exactly – maybe it’s the tight-jawed British yapping about how hard it is to be so beautiful and so young and so put-upon, cuz you know, that gets old quick – but it’s kinda more visceral than that. Needs-a-smack kinda visceral. But that’s probably just me.

4. What was up with the stuffed penguins, French dudes? OK, so you made a documentary about penguins (which, BTW, I do not recommend to pregnant women who cry at everything. Fuzzy little penguin babies struggling to survive at the harsh edge of the world is not safe viewing material. Learned that the hard way.) But, um, are you not undermining yourself as a serious filmmaker (ok, in this case, plural – filmmakers) if you tote around stuffed animals in public? It’s not like the real penguins are watching down in Antartica going ‘nice, dude’s giving us props.’ You’re just on stage with a toy.

‘Kay, getting cranky. I’ll drop the Oscar bitch for now.

(I coulda been watching my first-season DVD of Lost! Which yes, I missed last year because I was teaching Wednesday nights which put me SO out of the loop of the zeitgeist – does the zeitgeist have a loop? – but now am catching up on and am HOOKED on and can’t believe that precious Baby-free TV-viewing time was sacrificed to look at stuffed penguins! Aagh!)

Originally posted at Her Bad Mother.