Tuesday I featured a piece by a young women who is struggling with releasing her “inner mean girl.”
The following is by a mature Queen who is dealing with the same issue. They are both succeeding!

Conquering The Evil Queen
By Blair Glaser

Not too long ago, I was in a perpetual state of feeling sorry for myself. Seeing that I was feeling sorry for myself, and knowing that self-pity is not useful, did not shift the situation at all. In fact, it made it worse; somehow the feeling that I should be able to choose a higher way of looking at the circumstances in my life became another way to feel bad about myself. Analyzing the situation was hopeless. I felt stuck, and I was sure I was going to remain that way forever.

The content of my malaise was about as common and stereotypical as you can get: reasonably attractive, brainy and soulful woman, still single on the brink of forty, with no husband or family (things I had wanted since my early thirties) in sight. Loneliness, in conjunction with a sense that I had failed miserably at my life despite copious amounts of self-inquiry and growth, began to takeover. Caught in a dreaded loop, the more that time passed, the more my negative feelings were enforced.

I knew I had many things in my life that were amazing, yet somehow I was not able to appreciate them. Through the help of a brilliant mentor who knows my sensibilities and who has cultivated the talent of asking the right questions, I was reminded that I had always followed and pursed growth above all things. In his reflections I saw the many opportunities for family life that I had passed up in favor of something more congruent to my exploratory nature. In a spirit of creativity and play, he invited me to envision, as a character, the part of me that liked to interpret my present situation as a failure; the part that was a cruel killer of hope, and to come up with an image that represented it. The idea was that if I could see and name the enemy, I could conquer it.

The image that came to me almost immediately was the evil Queen from snow white. You know, “Mirror, mirror on the wall whose the fairest . . .?” I began to study her. I found pictures of her on the Internet. I reread Snow White. I discovered that the evil Queen not only wanted to kill the younger, fairer Snow White, but she wanted her heart in a box. That narcissistic bitch wanted the young ingénue’s heart. Hmmmm.

Well, that was it. I wasn’t go to spend another second giving my precious heart over to some inner witch who wanted to kill me and steal it. It was mine, and I was ready to keep it protected for good.

I began to print out pictures of the Queen and paste them around my house in particular places where she might be lurking, waiting to pounce on my vitality. I stuck her on the bathroom mirror, which never fails to remind me of my age in a negative way. I stuck her on my computer, for the times when I log on and into pictures of other people’s happy families and then fall prey to comparison mode. If I went to visit my sister and her beautiful family, I would bring the Queen with me in the car, so that when she would be waiting to bring me down after the visit, I could anticipate her being there and jockey for position on the inner throne of my being, reminding myself that being different from my sister was OK. As I outmaneuvered the Queen, I was encouraged by my sense of power in the matter. I could choose to fight her and keep hope alive.

At first I would catch myself in an inner headlock with her, and sometimes she would win and I would end up flat out on my back. It took a few months, but I now have the upper hand, and since I got her game, I have not spent more than a few minutes at a time in the clutches of this inner enemy. Truthfully I find her boring and pathetic, which is hard to believe, since at one time, she was so compelling.

And, sorry to make it a “fairy tale” ending, but the space left in my being by her absence has been filled by a wonderful intimacy; first with a new part of myself, and more recently with a prince of sorts.

If you are suffering from self-loathing, I encourage you to name it, see it and fight it. Outsmart it. Kill for your hope. Your heart is worth fighting for. Win it back from the clutches of darkness.

* Please send me your thoughts about power. Also stories of your own empowerment. When shared, these ideas and examples are extremely inspiring to others. Thanks.

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The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

CONSULT THE MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™
Queen Mama Donna offers upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity.