“It takes a village,” has become a cliché. But I really
believe it.

A wide array of people have been involved in our children’s
lives by virtue of circumstance, necessity, and desire. There’s family, of
course. My mother, who spends most Thursday nights and Friday mornings caring
for her grandchildren. My Aunt Jane, who has given my kids a glimpse of the
wonders of vegetable gardening even when I failed to do so (see photo). Or Aunt
Liz and Uncle Mark, who took our children to pick their pumpkins yesterday. I
could go on and on–great-grandparents, grandfathers, aunts and uncles and
cousins.

Then there are the babysitters. Our nanny from New Jersey
spent the weekend with us a few weeks back. William woke up this morning and
said, “I dreamed about Shannon again.” She’s the one who taught him to sing his
“ABC’s.” She’s the one who inspired Penny to make the sign of the Trinity after
we bless a meal.

And the therapists. By virtue of having a child with special
needs, we were more or less required to invite a host of women (yes, all of
Penny’s therapists and teachers, to this point, have been women) into our home
on a weekly basis. In many ways, I felt that I received four weekly
“how-to-be-an-effective-parent” sessions.

And the teachers. Penny surprised us two days ago by saying,
“with liberty and justice for all.” We soon discovered that she can recite the
Pledge of Allegiance in full, with her hand over her heart.

A host of people have contributed joy and learning and fullness to our family. We couldn’t have done it alone. But sometimes it seems that the American family is predicated upon the assumptions that a) we need to raise our children with as little outside help as possible and b) we need to get them out of the house and “independent” as quickly as possible. This theme came up again and again in comments on the Motherlode piece I wrote a few weeks back (Is it Harder to Have a Child with Down Syndrome?) as readers assumed it would be a burden upon us and/or William to have Penny live at home as an adult. (Incidentally, I think it is quite likely Penny will live on her own if she so chooses, but we would happily have her stay home if that’s the best place for her.)

Bt one reader responded: I belong to an Asian culture where all girls live with their parents until they are married, and the older son almost always continues to live with his parents to care for them after he’s married too. At times all the sons remain in the parents’ home with their respective families. It’s called a joint family system. Will [my daughter with Down syndrome] be a burden on anyone? No–she will just be doing what everybody does. Am I glad when I read the sort of comments left on this article that I belong to a culture where family values are still very strong? I sure am. People help each other and bring up their sibling’s kids as their own. Nobody is doing anyone a favor – that’s just how things are done.

There is much that is good about individualism and about independence. And yet, as our family experiences the care and involvement of other people, I wonder whether we in America idolize independence. I wonder whether we too easily forget that we are all dependent upon one another, all needy. Having a daughter with Down syndrome has been a gift in many ways, including the fact that she has enabled us to depend upon other people. It is a gift to know that we can’t do it alone.