The age when Americans are getting married is on the rise, and even more people than ever are living together before marriage (see Time’s “Who Needs Marriage?”). In contrast to an earlier generation, many “baby boomers” encourage their children to wait to get married. They want their children to be secure–financially, educationally, and emotionally. And they want to protect their kids from the heartache of choosing the wrong partner or struggling with some of the responsibilities of adult life before their peers do the same.
But what happens when the kids–or, I should say, the adults in their 20s–want to get married before they have it all figured out? Before they finish graduate school? Before they have financial security? What if the kids want to get married before they live together? Before they have sex?
A friend wrote me recently for advice. She’s been dating a man for six months, and they hope to marry soon. Both of them are Christians who are committed to “purity” (in her words) until they get married. But her parents have always said she should wait to get married (to anyone–this is nothing personal) until after she finished graduate school. Her parents don’t share her religious beliefs. How should she respond?
Here’s what I said:
There are obviously cultural barriers related to your faith that are going to be hard to overcome. With that said, do you have a sense of what is motivating your parents’ resistance to you being engaged? Is it fear? Care for you? Seeing other marriages break up? I don’t think that understanding their perspective will change yours, but I do think it might help you be more compassionate in how you talk about your own views.
It strikes me that you all might speak a language–purity, for instance–that literally needs to be translated for your parents. Most people in our culture have no idea what that word means, not to mention many other terms that make lots of sense to Christians.
I wonder what it means to honor your parents in this context. Perhaps you need to slow down more than you want to (although I certainly don’t advise a long wait, especially not the until-grad-school-is-done!). And yet it might be a way to demonstrate honor/respect/care for them to sacrifice your own desires somehow.
Have you heard of Love Languages? It’s a book by Gary Chapman that describes five different ways that people receive love. Gift-giving, physical touch, quality time, etc. It might be helpful to think of how your parents express and receive love, and also how you do so. It just strikes me that so much of these conversations are going to hinge upon communicating in language that is accessible to them, even if they don’t come to share your perspective entirely.
What would you say to this young woman?
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