As the photo attests, I am quite pregnant. People see me and they think I should
be headed for the hospital. And pretty soon I will be. My due date is a few
weeks away, but my other two came early, and I’m already starting to dilate, so
this one could arrive any day now.

Meanwhile, we have two little ones at home, and we’re trying
to get organized with a host of new toys (Christmas and Penny’s birthday). We’re
moving my study and making it into a nursery. We recently finished our basement
and still need to bring the old furniture in from the garage and get pillows
for the beat-up sofa.

And then I’ve had a cold for the past two weeks. So I’m
sleeping even more fitfully than I would otherwise, even with a baby on the way.

All of this means, of course, that Peter has more on his
shoulders than any of us would wish.

There are times I find myself feeling guilty about it. I
think–if only I were in better physical shape… if only I had continued walking
and doing yoga… if only I had been more organized or disciplined a few months
back…

But then I remember that I’m carrying a human being inside me, and I’ve done the best I could, and we’re all in this together. And it’s then that I stop feeling guilty and just feel grateful.

This experience–from guilt to gratitude–has been teaching me something about God. I used to think that guilt prompted us to repent and turn towards God. This may be true at times, but I don’t think guilt can sustain a relationship with God, and I don’t think it is meant to. Guilt implies that I could have done things differently, that the offense is entirely my fault and I could have controlled the situation in such a way to produce a more effective result. But gratitude… gratitude recognizes my limitations. Recognizes my lack of control. Recognizes that, whether or not I deserve it, I have been given something good.

I don’t mean to say that I’m not responsible for the bad choices I’ve made or the sins I’ve committed. All I’m trying to say is that if guilt brings me to God, it’s gratitude that keeps me there. Gratitude is a response that takes the attention off of me and puts it onto the giver. Guilt reflects the depth of my own depravity, but gratitude reflects the goodness of God.

So as I enter this final stage of pregnancy, and I am tempted to complain about the aches and pains and exhaustion of it all, I hope I will instead turn my eyes to the one who gives good gifts. I hope this time will be marked not by saying, “I’m sorry,” so much as repeating, “Thank you.”