Religious leaders are public figures. We live on display. People look at what we drive, what we eat, what we wear.

Unfortunately, sometimes we hide parts of ourselves in order to conform to people’s expectations. We might convey feelings of invulnerability or perfection in public as we struggle in private. Trying to be different people in public and private can be draining. Ultimately, it can be self-destructive. We cannot pretend someone we are not forever.

Yesterday a prominent rabbi ended that  destructive tension by announcing he was gay. He did so in an  loving and thoughtful way, noting his faithful marriage of twenty years and the active support of his wife in making this announcement.

While sad for the dissolution of a marriage and mindful of the range of feelings his announcement will generate, I found myself moved by the rabbi’s honesty, compassion and lack of selfishness. He noted his profound struggle as an adolescent. He described why he had chosen to marry and have children. And he explained how the wholeness and sense of identity for which we all yearn continued to elude him.

(If you want to explore this issue more, click here to discover different Jewish views of Homosexuality.)

Even as he struggled, he did not evade his responsibilities as a husband and father. He embraced them. He reached the point, however, where good parenting and personal happiness demanded honesty and resolution. As he put so beautifully, “Batya and I can no longer remain married, despite our fidelity throughout our marriage and our abiding friendship and love. As our divorce is not born of rancor, we pray that together with our children we will remain bound by a brit mishpachah, a covenant of family.” 

There is no such thing as a happy divorce. Yes, the decision can be for the benefit of both parents and children, but it still involves pain, sadness and loss. Rabbi Steinlauf seems to acknowledge this truth. I pray that my colleague and his family be blessed with strength and love in the years ahead.

Are you curious? Discover different Jewish views of Homosexuality