From: “acoop” (acoop@integrityonline30.com)
“The Computer is Down”
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”
From: “acoop” (acoop@integrityonline30.com)
CHILD TALK
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear,”
Mommy, please
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
“Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
“I can’t dear,” she said.
“I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
“The big sissy.”
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 BC – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 BC – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 AD – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 AD – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 AD – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 AD – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
Why do we have a leap year (as in this year) and why is it in February?
The issue of leap year and the weirdness of February is always worth looking at because, coming so infrequently, who can remember the explanation for it from the last time?
The earth revolves around the sun every 365.24 days, not an even 365. That produces an extra day’s worth of hours every four years. We could distribute them as a bonus to everyone–a one-day time-out every fourth year in which the clock is stopped and we stay in bed all day. But we don’t. Instead we add an extra day onto February.
Why February? It was originally the last month on the Roman calendar and a logical place to stick the extra day. But Julius Caesar changed the first month to January, stranding February and its little peculiarity in the second spot.
Star in the East?
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
“Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
From: acoop@integrityonline30.com
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