Calvin’s Commentary: In the 1940’s when I was born, it was common for parents to chose a name approved by the Roman Catholic Church for their children. But that changed! To me, choosing a Biblical name makes much more sense that trying to be shockingly noticeable to bring about consternation to a child. In those drug-fogged years of the 1960’s and 70’s, baby’s names were not to be outdone with weirdness any more than idiots today who can plant a sperm in an egg to reproduce, who can conjure up more bizarre lunacy to plague their children with. It was a trend. Outrageous names were given as freely and dangerously as the illegal mind-bending drugs the parents of their unfortunate protege foisted upon their innocent offspring. For example, Frank and Gail Zappa named their three children starting with Moon Unit Zappa born in 1968, her brother Dweezil Zappa born in 1969, Ahmet Zappa, another brother born in 1974, and finally Diva Zappa, Moon Unit’s sister born in 1979. And you’ve been told the 60’s were the innocent years! They were not innocent. The only thing innocent in the years of free love, Woodstock, the flower children of San Francisco and drugs were a few of us who were aghast at what was happening to America. Has it gotten better? Unfortunately no. Once I saw President Nixon appear on “Laugh-In” in those God-forsaken years, I knew the end of America as we knew it was coming to an end. And it’s been downhill every since. Clinton appeared on MTV playing a saxophone and responded to the question stating what kind of underwear he wore. Now we have an anti-Christ in the White House. And an NBA nutcase bragging he’s a sodomite. If that’s evolution, you can keep it because it sure isn’t advancing, it’s deteriorating! In fact, it’s not evolution at all, but evilution! ▬ Donna Calvin ▬ Friday, May 3, 2013
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BANNED BABY NAMES
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At the start of 2011, the Pope declared war on parents naming babies after celebrities, fruit or popular sports cars. In an address to parents, the ever-progressive pontiff pleaded with worshipers that when thinking of baby names, they should ‘give your children names that are in the Christian calendar’.
So Apple, Brooklyn and Ferrari are out, Francisco and Giulia are in.
But Benedict’s not the only authority figure to stamp down on one of the sillier by-products of celebrity culture. Various baby names have all been banned around the world for reasons of taste, decency or just plain daftnesss. So without further ado, we present out list of the top illegal baby names.
2) Venerdi AKA ‘Friday’ (Italy)
Maybe 
this is what the Pope was talking about. Back in 2008 a court banned an Italian couple from calling their child Venerdi (translation: Friday). The judges reckoned the name – taken from ‘Robinson Crusoe’ – would expose the boy to ‘mockery’ and was associated with ‘subservience and insecurity’. The parents, however, might have the last laugh; they threatened to call their next child Mercoledi (Wednesday).
Has Italy banned any other names? Italian courts can step in ‘when the child’s name is likely to limit social interaction and create insecurity’. In Turin, Andrea was rejected (and changed to Emma) as it’s a boy’s name in Italy. Dalmata has also been rejected, as it means Dalmatian.
[Relevant: Roman Gods are some of the top baby names for 2013]
3) Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 (Sweden)
No, we did
n’t fall asleep on the keyboard. That is an actual name a Swedish couple tried to inflict on their son back in 1996. Apparently the name is pronounced ‘Albin’ (we’re not sure how), and the parents chose it as a protest against Sweden’s admittedly strict naming laws. Tax authorities must give their blessing to both first and surnames before they can be used.
Has Sweden banned any other names? Oh yes. Some favourites include Metallica, IKEA, Veranda and Q. Google was OK though.
4) Gesher AKA ‘Bridge’ (Norway)
Back in 19
98 those nasty Norwegians threw a woman in jail (admittedly for only two days) when she failed to pay a fine for giving her son an ‘unapproved’ name. Eccentric Kristi Larsen said she was instructed in a dream to name her son Gesher (Hebrew for ‘Bridge’), but the court were having none of it. Kristi did have 13 children already though, so maybe she had just run out of ideas.
Has Norway banned any other names? Undoubtedly, though in recent times they have replaced their list of officially sanctioned names with a general ban on monikers featuring swearing, sex and illnesses.
[Relevant: Amelia beats Olivia to be crowned most popular baby name]
5) Chow Tow AKA ‘Smelly Head’ (Malaysia)
U
nlike many countries which are gradually relaxing name laws, Malaysian authorities have cracked down on unsuitable titles in recent years. In 2006 government killjoys published a list of undesirable names that weren’t in keeping with the religious traditions of the country – such as Cantonese moniker Chow Tow – which means ‘Smelly Head’.
Has Malaysia banned any other names? Lots more Chinese efforts such as Ah Chwar (‘Snake’), Khiow Khoo (‘Hunchback’), Sor Chai (‘Insane’). Malays should also steer clear of Woti, which means ‘Sexual Intercourse’.
6) @ (China)
With more than a 
billion fellow countrymen, finding a unique name in China is difficult. Perhaps that’s why one couple called their baby the ‘@’ symbol – in Chinese characters it apparently looks a bit like ‘love him’. Bless. Unsurprisingly, however, the authorities were less sentimental and publicised the moniker as an example of citizens bringing bizarre names into the Chinese language.
Has China banned any other names? The police have control over all names given to children because they issue identity cards, but details of rejections are not widely circulated.
[See also: The worst celebrity baby names from A – Z]
7) Miatt (Germany)
Country li
ving up to stereotype alert! Surprise, surprise the Germans are somewhat officious when it comes to baby naming laws. Regulation-loving Deutschland has an entire department (the Standesamt) which decides if names are suitable. Miatt was rejected because it didn’t clearly show whether the child was a boy or a girl, but sometimes the decisions are somewhat arbitrary…
Has Germany banned any other names? The likes of Stompie, Woodstock and Grammophon were turned down, whereas the similarly strange Speedy, Lafayette and Jazz were allowed.
8) Anus (Denmark)
What is it 
about Scandinavian countries and name laws? The Danes are even tougher than the Swedes in this regard, with parents given 7,000-odd names to choose from by the government. Special permission is needed to deviate from the list, with ethnic names, odd spellings and even compound surnames forbidden. Luckily for him (we assume it’s a ‘he’), Anus was one of 250-odd names rejected each year.
Has Denmark banned any other names? Well, Pluto and Monkey had lucky escapes…
[Interesting: Meet the parents raising a ‘genderless’ baby]
9) Ovnis (Portugal)
Be
fore naming your child in Portugal, best consult this mammoth, 80-page government doc (and have it translated to English) that tells you which names you can and can’t use. It’s pretty strict (and random) – Tomás is OK but Tom isn’t – and celebs can forget about the likes of Apple and Brooklyn, which aren’t even on the banned list. Essex girls rejoice, however – Mercedes is allowed!
Has Portugal banned any other names? There are more than 2,000 names on the reject list, including Ovnis – Portuguese for UFO.
10) Akuma AKA Devil (Japan)
Here’s a n
ame the Pope definitely wouldn’t approve of. In 1993 a Japanese parent called his son Akuma (which literally means Devil). The authorities decided this was an abuse of the parent’s rights to decide a child’s name and a lengthy court battle ensued. Eventually the father backed down and junior got a new, less demonic name.
Has Japan banned any other names? Lots. Names must use one of the 2,232 ‘name kanji’ characters decided by the government.
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