At first blush, the idea that a couple is divorcing over a husband’s flirtations with a virtual woman may sound funny. But if we take online communication seriously, and respect the power of imagination, there is nothing funny about it. In fact, it is simply a new manifestation of a problem that has been known to spiritual teachers for centuries. But first a bit of background.
A woman in England is seeking a divorce because her husband’s virtual altar ego, known as an avatar, has been carrying on a virtual affair with some other person’s avatar in the fantasy game known as Second Life. They are not the first couple to end up divorcing over this kind of occurrence. The attorney who is handling the wife’s complaint remarked that it was the second such case that came to her desk in the last week alone. And why not?
If people can fall in love online, why would the other online relationships that they have be any less real? In the case of this English couple, the fantasy world of Second Life is so real to them, that they (their avatars? At some point, it’s hard to know the difference) went so far as to get married in the context of the game.
And that is why this is no laughing matter. For people who take this kind of game seriously, the ethical obligations of playing must be taken seriously as well. It’s really no different from the fact that in some cultures, polygamy is not experienced as cheating, but for most of us, it would be. It’s not simply that our traditions and our laws forbid it. We would feel that the intimacy of our primary relationship had been breached. That is what cheating is all about. And that is what the wife experienced in their relationship.
The husband was cheating virtually, not virtually cheating. And between those two, there lies a world of difference.

It’s a difference that was noticed hundreds of years ago and codified into Jewish law by Rabbi Yosef Karo, author of the legal collection known as the Shulhan Arukh, or prepared table. In writing about the appropriate emotional relationships that should accompany good sexual relationships, Rabbi Karo instructs men that it is forbidden to make love to their wives while thinking about another woman.
The fact that the husband in Karo’s directive would not “really” be cheating, is no excuse for what would be considered a virtual affair. Forget that his words were only directed to men and to the context of marriage. Wouldn’t we want them applied to all people and all situations?
The breach in a relationship is not merely a function of who puts what body part where. It is a function of the honesty and intimacy that exists between the partners in that relationship. When those two issues are respected, then many marital arrangements can work out. Do we be believe that partners in polygamous families love each other less? I don’t, even if I do not agree with the arrangements under which they live.
Perhaps such intense connection to an online relationship is not healthy. Perhaps the need to create avatars speaks to some larger problem we have with our own identities. Or perhaps, this is simply the next phase in the process of storytelling and myth-making which have shaped human experience since the dawn of time. In which case, this stuff is real even if it is virtual. And if it is real, it can really hurt.
Of course, if it can really hurt, it can also really heal. I wonder who will be the first virtual marriage counselors, helping avatars and their human sponsors to overcome past hurts and maintain real relationships. Now that would be really interesting – virtual healing that really saves marriages.