Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love- MLK,Jr.

Was he all that you had hoped for when you first met? Your soul- mate? And then as time went on, you started noticing things about him that were very confusing, almost deceptive that eventually led to maddening which led to severe pain in your heart, soul and mind. You had no idea how you got here but you know you don’t feel like yourself anymore and you are suffering, deeply….

Destructive relationships make women feel small. They eclipse the vitality and expansiveness of our spirit, reducing the parameters of our world. They make us feel unworthy, less than and shameful for wanting our needs met, eventually leading to a hunger in our soul as we inhabit a relationship that doesn’t nourish us. Instead of being luminous and full as the feminine moon, we become too constricted to bring forth our light- and may no longer feel the right to shine- Beth Wilson

No one and I mean no one is immune to a toxic relationship- It does not care about the color or your skin, how well educated you are or even your background- These qualities can not save her when she is involved with a controlling, degrading and psychologically domineering man.

You try and communicate your concerns to him and although he may appear to be understanding and even at times ” throw you a bone”, things always go back to the way they were…. Manipulation, Dismissing, Ignoring, degrading, unworthy, double-standard, inequality, domineering, arrogant and on and on it goes. He just has this way of always making you feel like you are wrong or simply doesn’t want to hear it. You find yourself left to figure out and resolve these  problems on your own. He wants power and you want a relationship.

You may walk away from conversations with him, thinking it is just me or do other’s feel like they missed the point- subtly dismissed. He seems out of line more and more and you find yourself embarrassed by his lack of self awareness. He has a sense of entitlement that makes him come across as a jerk. He puts on a front for his peers because he can’t bare the thought of damaging his reputation. You are the only one who seems to see the total destructiveness and it haunts you because how will you even begin to explain these insidious traits to your friends and family? You have ventured into a unchartered territory of demons. ” He may tell you to lighten up when undermining you in some fashion. He may say things like “get off of me” or “all you do is criticize” when you are trying to tell him something he did was very wrong. You see him show empathy for other’s but absolutely none for you. You start to question if you are enough? You really start to question, everything. ” It’s got to be me!” “I lost it on him the other day.”, you say! You were beyond frustrated and he used that against you by saying, ” you have anger issues.”

Certainly, all of us can be thoughtless, speaking in anger as we lash out our frustrations with hurtful words. You may be at the end of your rope and say something insensitive or even cruel. We are all guilty of doing that in some way from time to time. However, with this guy, these behaviors are his modus operandi- his bag of tricks- subtle tools he uses to quietly control others and that means- YOU!

Rest assured you may feel crazy at times because dealing with a destructive man can make you feel that way but you are not!

You realize your partner does not know how to engaged in an authentic way leaving you uneasy most of the time. Humans needs genuine sustained intimacy. We need emotional honesty and a real connection with others especially our significant others.

Emotional abuse is tricky because it is not blatant like a physical threat or a direct character assassination- Beth Wilson says, it can be more likened to a razor blade than a machete. That in the hands of a extremely skilled man, it can be a scalpel of control, with each incision creating a small but significant wound that must be perpetually mended in order for a woman to remain in tact. And because people want to avoid being labeled as abusive, many have convinced themselves that they are not by their first line of defense which is to undermine, manipulate, confuse, invalidate and dismantle a women’s  sense of self along with her self -confidence- BW

The many forms of control are…

Control, Possessiveness, Lying, Mind games, Isolation, Emotional Terrorism, Money, Aggressiveness,Projection, Denial, Minimizing, Deception, Manipulation, Corrosive Criticism.

Love’s currency is respect, love, emotional integrity, and nurturing… yet the destructive man places a higher value on control, winning and psychological dominance. His words usually deny this but his actions will indicate otherwise- and this is what professional counselors will tell you is “crazy- making.”

Part 2 of 3 of Sleeping with the Enemy coming soon

xo