Try and visualize the things you love about yourself…… your passions, your natural talents that the Lord has so graciously blessed you with. Think about your role in your family and friends life.. What makes you come alive? The way it feels when you laugh, your carefree spirit. Your style… How you are wonderfully and uniquely made.. Now think about your physical features.. your smile, your eyes, the way you bite your lip when you are nervous ( that is actually me). Think about what you contribute to this world.. Your intelligence, your warm heart, the way you love to nurture others…..Do you love to cook? Do you appreciate a good wine? Do you love to paint, travel, listen to music? Now that you have a good visual of all those wonderful qualities that make you, YOU.

Picture this…Think about who you are right now! How does your partner really treat you? Is he honest? Did he lie to you again and then blatantly blamed you for being the liar? Did his dismissiveness leave you feeling “less than” and shut down once again? Think about your interactions with him where you were left feeling more alone and more unsafe. Does he say things to you like you are crazy when you address his disrespect? Does he come across as he if he is above you? You find yourself over time feeling more desperate and wanting someone, anyone to stand up for you… To say, “hey she is a human being stop treating her this way” but it is just silence and quite frankly no one wants a part of that “drama.” You are becoming more and more isolated. How did you get here? Do other’s see what you see? You are a shell of who you once were. People who care about you are noticing the dark circles under your eyes, the loss of weight but you just smile and say “I am fine!” You cry at the drop of a hat and feel embarrassed so you apologize for crying and say ” I must be tired.”

You are no longer the woman that you used to be! But know that you are not alone.. Let’s begin by breaking down the traits so if you are in this type of destructive relationship, you can see it here in black and white and begin to acknowledge and recognize this hell…

1. Lies and Deception- Being lied to is like saying you are not important enough for me to tell the truth. It feels terrible, belittles us, and erodes our trust quickly. Once we are to the point that we do not know what is true and what is false, the relationship is essentially over whether you are in it or not. Confusion, off- balance, unsafe and tense are what comes with your partner lying to you. Beth Wilson says it is women’s kryptonite because it zaps us of our vitality, hurts our hearts, and can turn us into lunatics as we frantically try and figure out the truth day after day.

2. Manipulation and Mind Games- Manipulation is much like lying and deception because it is a form of dishonesty. It is designed to conceal the truth in an effort to control and keep the power in the relationship. Manipulation is demeaning. The underlying assumption is that your feelings, opinions,values, faith, choices, and preferences have little or no worth.  Mind games are much the same and their main purpose is psychological warfare. “Broken women, anxious and uncertain women- no matter their intelligence, background, degrees, careers are much easier to control so little by little they break you down to someone you don’t even recognize. Both can wreak havoc on your self-esteem leaving you second guessing everything.

3. Emotional Terrorism- Ugh, this one is so nasty but happens frequently when there is a huge imbalance of power. It can turn a sane women into a complete wreck in no time. Children are usually used in emotional terrorism because it’s a woman’s soft spot.. These type of men will use anyone you love to control you. Example…. You are late picking up your child and the school calls him by chance, he belittles you by saying something like” Do you know you left our son at the school for close to an hour after school was out.” When in reality, it was less than 10 minutes and you were trying to get someone to answer the main line of the school. This type of abuse causes such distress and so you keep trying harder but you are not perfect nor is he, clearly. You walk on eggshells more and more until you explode and then get called crazy again. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle which brings me to number 4….

4. Twisting the facts- Destructive individuals typically twist the facts and have terrible “memory loss”. They put words in your mouth or completely recall the situation so differently than how it actually happened, you are appalled that they think they can get away with such reckless behavior but they do..

5. Dismissing, minimizing and projecting- Every wrong, injustice, lie, cheating tactic they somehow put back on you. This is such childish behavior that it almost seems laughable but for a person in this nightmare, it is deeply disturbing because zero responsibility is taken. They do not care how they treat you. When undermining or offending you, often they will say things like “lighten up” or “I am just joking.” Your partner refuses to be held accountable because he is in denial and may very well believe what he is saying because he is too is deceived.

6. Behind Closed Doors- A sign that you are with a destructive man is when he acts very different in public that he does with you. He allows people to see only what he wants them to see and he is very careful not to get caught. He treats you with contempt but shows others his compassionate “side” This is one reason why emotional abuse is so hard to define because it is not blatant. It is slow and insidious.

7. Isolation, Possessiveness, and Jealousy- He sets the terms even though they constantly change and you must adhere to them or there will be consequences like withholding/punishing. He will tell you that he doesn’t want you hanging out with so and so or that bars are no place for a woman. He wants you to prove that he is special and he will shame you when you don’t put him first all of the time. He is domineering and you are his possession. He stops looking at you like a human being.

8. Taking aim at your heart- Men who want to harm women will take aim at her heart in many sick and twisted ways. For example if she feels any type of security, he will dismantle in order to disrupt her bond and sever trust. Men like this are “connection-averse” They are abusive to the relationship instead of being supportive. Women in these types of hostage situations, are never supported. They will limit all resources anyway they can and convince themselves they are doing nothing wrong. Their goal is to get you worried about the relationship whether with admiring, flirting or cheating with  other women or purposely keeping things including money from you. They typically have a very different lifestyle than you.

Men who are very destructive have a tendency to believe their own B.S., which makes them very dangerous.

The five C’s of Control in He’s Just No Good for you are….

1. Control- They want to control you, period

2.Containment- Once they find what works to control you, they use tactics to maintain the control

3. Calculating- Destructive men spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out ways to keep you off balance so they can hide outside activities, addictions, lies, money, and avoid being found out for who they really are.

4. Condescending- Put downs, demeaning are all part of the attitude he has towards you. The will undermine and lie to others about you just to save face. You are never secure, safe, or cherished in any kind of way. They have contempt for you.

5. Connection- Averse- Men with these traits are not looking to relate to you, though they may have loving moments or a very brief stint of honesty, that is part of a larger part of control. It is impossible to have authentic relationships with such a man.

Dr. Daniel Goleman says.. The more strongly connected you are with someone emotionally, the greater the mutual force. Our most potent exchanges occur with those people with whom we spend the greater amount of time with- particular those we care about the most. These relationships not only mold our experiences but our biology. Healthy relationships that nurture and take care actually can improve your health, ones that are toxic act like a slow poison.

It’s not surprising to end up feeling hopeless, lost or shut down when with such a man.

Part 3 or 3 Coming soon- How to escape and there is hope

xo