Conventional wisdom says there are three rules that you need to follow to be happy. You need to get married. You need to have children (plural – not just one!). And you need to make a lot of money. And if you accomplish those three things, you will be happy.

The problem is that I know people who have all three of those things. They are married, they have two or more children, they have money … and they are miserable. So that formula for happiness does not work for everyone. And it is a trap for many.

The problem is that what society deems to be the ideal life doesn’t constitute the perfect life for everyone. Let’s consider marriage. Not everyone is cut out for marriage. In fact, I would argue that simply by looking at our divorce statistics, at least half of the folks out there don’t possess the natural disposition for married life.

Marriage takes a lot of sacrifice. Once you get married, every decision that you make must come from the point of view of “we” – not “I.” For the rest of your life, everything that you do will have to be thought of in terms of “How does this benefit or hurt our marriage? Does this decision help or hurt my spouse?”   Many people are unable to make that mental leap. They can only consider their own needs. That attitude doesn’t work in marriage.

Many people get married and believe that they can keep doing whatever they want afterward. You can’t! You can do some things that you want as a married person.   But a lot of the time, you are doing things for the benefit of the other person or for the benefit of the marriage.

For some people, that kind of sacrifice is worth it. For some people, serving others comes naturally. My husband is naturally suited to married life. He is always on the lookout for ways that he can help me and take care of me. And I do the same for him. However, for some, having to think of another person’s needs all the time is a massive burden.

The same holds true for children. Having children is not the key to happiness. We fetishize the notion of having children. We make parenting seem like it is nothing but fun and full of Hallmark moments. It is fun – sometimes. And it is incredibly rewarding. But it also is a lot of work.

Kids aren’t weeds. You can’t ignore them and expect them to grow up properly. If you want to parent your children correctly, you have to spend a lot of time with them. You have to talk to them and guide them morally. You have to be-friend them and be interested in their lives so that they know that they are important to you. And you have to constantly direct them as to how to behave, otherwise, you will unleash very unpleasant people into the world.

Doing all of that is incredibly time-consuming. So, if you intend to do a good job as a parent, then some things will have to go by the wayside. You can’t relocate every time a fabulous professional opportunity comes along because children need stability. And you can’t go out every night to the bars because kids need parents that are normal and boring. Sorry, but it is true. No kid wants a wild parent. Kids want parents who are boring because boring is reliable and safe. And those are the two things that kids want more than anything.

If those aren’t sacrifices that you are willing to make, then you aren’t built to be a parent. And not only will you be unhappy being a parent, but your kids will resent you for not doing the job well. Better to be a great “auntie” or “uncle” to other people’s kids than to try to raise your own kids when you simply aren’t suited for the task.

Finally, we need to forget the rule that money is the key to happiness. You simply have to look at the lives of wealthy, famous people to see that vast amounts of money rarely make people happy. Of course, poverty will not make you happy either. The key is to find an income range in which you can make enough money to pay your bills, help others and save for the future. That is the income level at which you can relax about your finances. If you end up making more money, that is great! But your goal should be for that bare minimum amount, whatever that may be.

So, if marriage, kids and money aren’t the key to happiness, then what is? I wish I could give you a magic formula. But I can’t. It is different for everyone. We each are built differently. Sure, some people might be happy with marriage, kids and money, but that would be the death knell for others.

The key to happiness, then, is truly to know thyself. So, don’t get married, don’t have kids, and don’t commit to a career until you really know yourself. And that involves living on your own and figuring out what it is that you enjoy doing, without the influence of others. You need time alone to ask yourself the question, “I have all day by myself today. How do I want to spend it?” Or, “If I could have any job in the world, what one would I choose?”

To be happy, you have to create a life that suits your personality. Spending your life doing things that you don’t enjoy only will leave you feeling frustrated. For instance, I love being a parent – to one child. I would not have enjoyed parenting more than one kid. I don’t have the patience for it. But parenting my daughter and developing a great relationship with her has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Fortunately, I knew myself well enough to not have more than one child during my child-bearing years.

So, forget about society’s happiness rules. Break them! Figure out what makes you happy and create a life that suits your personality. We all are different and there is no cookie cutter approach to happiness. It something that you have to figure out for yourself.

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