Most of us want to be helpful.  The problem is that in certain situations, helping can go down the slippery slope toward enabling. And then we end up facilitating bad behaviors and bad choices.

How do you know when you are being an enabler? How do you know when your “help” is in fact keeping someone on a destructive or immature path in life? If you are trying to figure out whether you are a helper or an enabler, ask yourself the following questions:

Are you enabling someone to be irresponsible? There many ways that well-meaning people can encourage irresponsibility. For instance, I know one family who allowed their son to live at home after college. Normally, that would be a good thing! The plan was that while he lived at home, he would find a job that used his very expensive college degree (the one that his parents paid for). His parents also didn’t charge him rent. They wanted him to be able to save money so that he could get his first apartment.

However, while this young man lived with his parents, he chose to take a low paying, low pressure job – one that he could have gotten while in high school. He then spent his earnings on entertainment and ski trips with his friends. By allowing him to live at home with no financial responsibilities, his parents, effectively, enabled him to remain an adolescent.  They did not put him on the path to adulthood.

So, even when we have the best intentions, we sometimes can become enablers. If the result of your helping someone is that it allows that person to be irresponsible, you aren’t helping them. You are enabling them.

Are you shielding someone from the consequences of their behavior? We all make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with that. And there is nothing wrong with helping someone out of a jam when they’ve made a mistake.

Problems arise, however, when we help someone in a way that prevents them from grasping the consequences of their actions. For example, friends of mine have a daughter and son-in-law who have spent many years living beyond their means. They live in a house that is outside of their price range. They have chosen to have children, when they really can’t afford to have kids yet. Worse yet, their spending habits have gotten them into a significant amount of credit card debt. In short, they have chosen a lifestyle that doesn’t match their income.

Recently, the daughter and son-in-law asked my friends to give them a down payment to buy a house. And since no bank in its right mind will give them a loan, they also asked my friends to co-sign their mortgage. My friends reasonably said “no.” Why? Because giving their kids a down payment and co-signing their mortgage doesn’t help them. It enables them to continue to operate in a fantasy world, a world in which they live at a standard that they cannot afford.

When we shield people from the consequences of their irresponsibility, we aren’t helping them. Rather, we are enabling them to continue to be irresponsible. At times, it is better to let people suffer some consequences of their actions (within reason). That often is the only way that they’ll change their behavior.

Are you promoting or thwarting independence? Many years ago, I attended a seminar conducted by an accountant. She was trying to make the point that when creating a budget, we should know how much everything costs. She lamented that her daughter didn’t know the price of a gallon of gas. Why? Well, her son-in-law filled up her daughter’s gas tank every so often, so her daughter never had to do it herself.

At first glance, the son-in-law’s actions seem very chivalrous. But the problem is that as an adult, her daughter should know how much it costs to fill her car’s gas tank. That is a basic life skill.

It always is good to be helpful. Especially, when you see that someone is overwhelmed. But as important as it is to be helpful, it is even more important to teach others to be independent. The best gift you can give another person, is the gift of life skills.

There are few things more helpful than knowing how to budget, how to do your own laundry, and how to clean a bathroom. Every adult should know how to do these things and should do these tasks regularly. It is part of being a grown up.

So, when you want to help someone, always consider, “Is this a teaching moment? Can I use this moment as an opportunity to not only help this person, but to teach them a life skill?” If you simply do things for others without teaching, then you aren’t helping. You are enabling. You are enabling them to be dependent on you. Instead, your goal should be to teach them skills that allows them to be independent.

This week, when considering your relationship with others, ask yourself this: Am I helping or enabling? Try to avoid the enabling trap. Instead, work at helping others to achieve their highest potential.

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Books: “The Secrets to Success for the Working Mother” by Meerabelle Dey (https://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Success-Working-Mother/dp/1546329544 )