Catholic Definitions

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. Incense: Holy Smoke! Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. Jonah: The original “Jaws” story. Justice: When your children have kids of their own. Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava. Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. Manger: 1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. 2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches. Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman. Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.